He's back

Another "turns out" when you don't speak to someone for four months you end up having quite a few things to say. I missed him, I'm glad he's back, I don't feel forlorn and out of touch with reality. I know it's never going to be more and I'm alright with that. He's my dear friend and we missed each other. He challenges me in ways I never knew I could be and at this point he just loves me for the ridiculous person that I am. And I feel the same. 

Turns out

Turns out when you don't write to someone for 6 months on their mission they get really mad at you and you have no idea. So you write to your family and tell them that you have no interest in the girl so stop teasing you about the possibility. Am I that ridiculous that all I will ever be is the best friend. I feel so unbelievably unloved and hurt right now. How can you spend so much time and effort on one person only to turn around and say they mean nothing to you. I am so bugged. What if I decided to stop being a good friend to all the people that use me for various things? Oh wait, then I'd only have two friends, Christie and Ariel. Both of who are gone now. Ariel called me back yesterday because I went to the temple and called her and we had a nice long chat, I miss her so so much. How am I going to survive through these next few months/years? I'm going to Christies mission farewell next month, I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. Why is it okay to expect me to deal with things way beyond my maturity level? My dads dad is dying, uncle bob took him home from the hospital yesterday with a blood clot in his leg that was inoperable so now everyone is kind of on stand-by and with Braden coming home today I can't handle this life. I can't handle all the things I am supposed to be able to handle and I might just shut down. okay, yup, shutting down now.

Done.

And then, I think I moved on. Don't get me wrong, I still would rather not see him, but I think I'll stop thinking and pining for him. Too many tears, too much time, too much love, just too much. It's over and done and maybe he's supposed to remain in my life. But that doesn't have to be decided today.