This is what it's like

What do you do when someone you care about tells you something cruel that you really weren't ready to hear? You get hurt, you get mad, you tell them so they can fix it, they already know, they apologize about a zillion times, you forgive them because it's torturing them more than it's going to torture you. You fix it, you get better, you grow together, you're stronger because of it. It goes back to that old saying that goes something like, you have to experience the lows so that you better appreciate the highs. If you don't get mad and sad and angry and hurt, then you don't get to be happy and joyful and ecstatic and loved. That isn't a rule, but it's part of the human experience to endure a wide spectrum of emotions. Plus it puts part of the fun in life. Now I have a better knowledge that I am stronger with that person because of one bone headed thing that was said in error that they spent the next half hour trying to remedy. Sure I'll be a little more careful how I dress and hold myself around them now, but that's a good thing, I don't want to lose my ability to feel beautiful and to care what I'm wearing and how I act. I know that people get comfortable together and that you get more accustomed to others, but I don't even do unladylike things by myself.. so I hope I don't change in that regard. I know someone is out there reading this thinking I'm so incredibly naive, and you're right, but I'm also incredibly determined. Life is to be enjoyed, I would put up with a month of sorrow for a day of love and laughter. Life is beautiful.

Pardon me

While I sob. a lot, for a very long time. Sometimes it just hurts, It will get better, I know that. It will not be better today. However I just weighed myself and I weigh 26 less pounds than I did on January First! Actually I'm just going off the 191 which was the last time I really weighed myself, but I didn't expect such drastic changes, so I didn't keep a super detailed measurement of how much I weighed or my body measurements, I'm not that sad about it, But 26 pounds is kind of a big deal. My goal is thirty by Makaelee's wedding. Also, this means that I've lost 13 pounds a quarter. I am so excited to go to the gym today and work off all this anger and hurt and frustration. Boys are the worst and I am so done dating boys.

Out of the sadness

Out of sadness or despair sometimes come the biggest triumphs. Let us continue on our "boy meets girl" story. Girl waits impatiently for boy to get off his butt and come to his senses. Boy doesn't, girl gets sick of it and packs up all his things, girl cries a lot, girl messages boy and asks to see him, boy responds a week and a half later, girl is mad, boy and girl finally see each other, boy smells the same wonderful smell, girl goes a little weak in the knees, girl pulls herself together, boy and girl talk like the old friends they are, boy friend zones girl, a lot, girl goes home and cries, girls roommate holds her while she cries.

That is the good that came out of this. Makaelee and Joe were going through everything with me and when I came home after finally seeing him, I tried to keep it together, but you can only do so much. And they asked me to hug them and oh goodness I needed that. Last night Max and I watched fools gold and cuddled on the couch, it was a wonderful moment in my life and never have I been so aware of someone touching me. Then today he told me he's not looking for a relationship. That's fine, but it still kind of hurt. What is so repellant about me that I can't seem to make anyone believe what they have when they have me. I have more worth than this. And dang it, I really like Max and I've only been fighting it for ya know, 8 months now.  And I felt like I let go last night, it was glorious. I want to do it again. And again and again. Alas, he's not looking for a relationship. Why do I have to be relationship girl? Why can't I be cuddle and kiss and chat with when it's convenient girl? I'm too much or not enough and some day I'll figure out which. Remind me never to friend zone someone because holy cow it sucks. A lot. A lot a lot. 

Hi, I'm a workaholic

We just entered hour 88 of work over the past two weeks. And I'll still be here for another hour at least. And I'm planning on leaving early today. What a messed up universe. No wonder I am so beat. I'm going to pick up my car after work then shopping with Christie! Then hopefully home to sleep for quite awhile until I get to take her to Salt Lake in the morning. I've gotten dizzy a lot the past two days and my goal is to work out enough so that it goes away. That's how it works, right? This continuous charlie horse in my leg promises to make that difficult. I have an embarrassing thing to admit. I've never successfully used a tampon until yesterday. And I know it's a very common thing, but my mom never really pushed it so I never really cared to try. I'm sure it becomes normal, but yesterday I was keenly aware that there was a foreign object in my body. I can't tell anyone about this because frankly it's something pretty much everyone went through at least ten years before I am, so here I sit writing it out to the void because hey, none of you really know me and it doesn't really matter. Plus what's the worst that could happen? You could think I'm odd for never trying? yeah well, I don't particularly care if I'm considered odd, in fact I would relish that! I don't know the point I'm trying to make and I know my shoulder hurts so badly from sitting in this chair for days and days. I wish I could go swimming tonight. I was really looking forward to that, alas, I'll have to settle for vegging in my bed. Woot! Sleep is good, lets hope that happens at some point so I stop writing too much information and can actually complete a coherent thought.

Coping mechanisms

Mine are as follows: Being rude, Being abrupt, being increasingly snarky, over working, keeping myself busy, watching netflix for hours on end so I think about something other than myself, spending time with my roommates. Basically the list is anything that makes it so I don't sit in the dark silence and think about the sadness. Today I'm not doing so well with that. I am still going through this process of having my heart slowly ripped into pieces. You want me to work three extra hours this week? OKAY. You want me to take on two other peoples responsibilities? OKAY. You're saying that all my help up to this point is quitting so I'll get to work much more often alone? OKAY. You are trying to hire others to take their places so I get to work alone AND train? OKAY. You want me to do all this and pretend like I'm not heartbroken? OKAY. You want me to do all this and not shed a tear? Yeah I don't think I can do that part.

In the place where I work

As a job hazard we don't always give out the happiest news, some days we have 24 patients of sad sad cases. On those days it's okay to go home and cry for them and all their heartache over the lives and welfare of their sweet sweet babies. As I walked through the clinic today I noticed a box of kleenex resting in the middle of the couch in my favorite doctors office. It just made me think that the memory of whichever couple that was in that room earlier were not having a great day. They sat down and listened with heavy hearts as tears welled up in their eyes and they clasped hands while our wonderful doctor told them the sad sad truth. Their presence was so strong in that room still that I had to walk away before tears sprang into my eyes as well. When I was first offered this job I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it, and I'm still not sure that I'm handling it as well as I should be. When friends come in and find out their babies have died or will die soon it almost becomes too much to bear. I never want to be one of these women. I want to do the maternity and motherhood thing more than any desire I've ever had, but to have to come to MFM after hearing it all and knowing what can happen within these walls, I would much rather have normal pregnancies with no excitement. I know our doctors can do amazing things and there are many many babies, children, youth and adults out there who owe them their lives, I would just rather skip it. Things are heavy today. I put away his pictures last night. I took them off the walls, out of my wallet, out of my books and stashed them with all the letters I've written him over the past three months. Placed them carefully in the box, then held it to my chest and cried. I cried for a multitude of reasons, I've been working on being the best me that I can be so that when he came home again he would want to be with me. I cried because I think I've lost a part of myself through this whole process. I cried because of the possibility of love lost. I cried over being unwanted. I cried because I'm going to miss my friend. I cried because of the uncertainty. I cried because I didn't want to say goodbye like that. I cried because maybe I took them down too soon. I cried because "Can you feel the love tonight" came on the radio. I cried because everyone keeps telling me to wait, but I know better. I would like to cry again, it felt good to get all the emotions out.

Girl wrote boy

The saga continues. Girl got fed up waiting around, girl wrote boy a message, boy read the message, boy didn't respond. That was 5 hours ago. I understand things happen, but why the heck did he feel comfortable enough to go out with Katie last week and he can't be bothered to write me a line saying that he can't see me. Or that he doesn't want to see me. What makes that okay? Especially after all this time, we are fast approaching three years since we first met and I don't want this to end yet. We'll see how it all turns out. Maybe I'll see him and there won't be anything there, but I have to FREAKING SEE HIM TO KNOW THAT. 

Apparently I want to yell. 

Oh well, that's how all the great stories go, right?

Boy meets girl, boy and girl talk for hours, boy kisses girl, boy dances with girl under stars and twinkle lights, hilarity ensues, boy goes away for two years on a mission, girl waits, boy talks about weddings, girl plans, boy comes home, girl waits, girl waits, girl waits, girl waits, girl waits, girl waits. Not exactly your typical happy romantic story, it still has the potential to get there, Girl is still waiting, albeit somewhat impatiently at this point. And who can blame her, it has been 26 months since girl has seen boy, girl is having a hard time remembering the exact color of boys eyes. Girl wants boy to call her in the worst way so at least she can hear boys voice. Girl is now SO insecure from all the waiting and not knowing that she's not sure she'll ever make it back to the strong, confident and funny woman she was before. girl overthinks, boy runs for the hills. Ehh, pardon my grumpy and chlorine drained head, I'll be a bit more chipper tomorrow we can hope.

No. Just no. I just don't know what to do or how to act and I just want to hibernate in my room and pretend like Devon is still on his mission so that this week of silence hurts less. I'm hurt. I'm ignored and I spent too much time alone for being around people as much as I have been. This sucks, that's all there is to it. So many people are happy around me and I just want to kick them. 

Because I can't stop myself

Devon has been home for over a week now and I've talked with him over messenger at least 4 times, I feel like I'm prying things out of him and that he's not sure of what to do. I want to be understanding and patient, but I also want it to be known that i would like a shot at this. I know in a few weeks we'll be laughing about how awkward he was and I was and we were together and it'll be fine, but please let me have the patience to make it till then. Please have him like me and me he a like able person and to be what he's looking for. Spending time with linnea and stephen the past day has made me agitated because they tease and punch and play in a way that doesn't spell love in my eyes, but just because that's not what I want doesn't mean that it's not perfect for them. 

Tomorrow I get to work with Risa and those are my favorite days! Here's to a good rest of the week and some voice time with that Devon man. Here's hoping.