Day 30: I sit in the dark sometimes

Sometimes I want to be brutally honest. I sit in the dark to cry and sip my peppermint tea till there is nothing left in my soul. 

Day 29: Mycah, you made my day

I worked with Mycah for the first time today. She is a gem, she's a fantastic worker, she is wonderful to our patients, she is all around a fantastic person. I had a splendid day! Also, look at this building! Isn't it beautiful? Walking across BYU campus you see this fantastic structure illuminating the entire courtyard and across the concrete. It was a lovely sight I always want to share with others. Plus, the first time I made out on campus was in the courtyard of this building ;) 

Day 28: Happy Birthday, Cache!

As I left the office after working straight through 9 hours I was beat, but the sun dipping down on the horizon cast a glow that couldn't be captured on camera and I decided the rest of the day was going to be wonderful! I am great at my job, I am loved by my family and friends and I can do whatever I put my mind to :) 

Day 27: Uncontrollable laughter binds our souls together

Brain, you're fantastic. This giant bear you hold in your arms is fantastic. I am blessed with giant bears and wonderful friends. Today was everything it should be :) I got to donate blood and I get to work out again tomorrow!!! 

Day 26: What makes the heart break?

Sometimes I fall in love with this guy and he breaks my heart, but this cad doesn't just do it once, I'm the idiot that falls for the sweet words and promise of tomorrow every time. I'd say today was harder to swallow than most for the sadness I felt each time I looked at him. I'm not done needing him, I need a hug, one that will hold on forever. I need a Jon hug. I can't believe I've been without one for such a long time. I just want to cry and I feel totally unjustified in doing so. 

Day 25: The day where I remembered everyone loves me

These letters from these people I love make me feel so wonderful. A brother, an old friend, a newer friend and my best friend in the entire world. These people love me so much and I just love that my friends are off making sure other people can stay with their families forever. 

Day 24: Poems and prenatals

Do you ever spent an evening with some of your favorite people and come away feeling more enriched and loved than ever? Yesterday was that for me. I spent plenty of time alone and when I made it to this house that I love so much I felt the love and friendship being passed around without question. I know these people care for me and I for them. That's what makes me hesitant to leave. How is it possible for me to find something this fantastic somewhere else? I'll let you know when I do. 

Also, if you haven't been to a poetry reading before I'm going to strongly suggest that you GO! 

Day 23: Did you know..?

Did you know that the Provo Rec Center has highly imaginative signs for their party rooms? Did you know that chatting with the person helping you at the DLD can be extremely enjoyable? Did you know storing someone's belongings for 4 months should earn you an award? Did you know that tomorrow is payday? Did you know that Pebbs is finally starting to feel like her engagement is really broken? Did you know that I ran 85% of a mile without stopping today? Did you know Monday I start full-time at work? Did you know when you de-clutter your life you develop a strong emotional bond with lots of stupid things? Did you know that days off are my favorite? Did you know I passed the written Utah drivers license test? Did you know I could probably go on with this forever? 

Day 22: When is a good time to share bad news?

The picture today is from an occurrence we like to refer to as "Mailmance!" Like romance, but of the mail handlers variety. This blessed event has only happened 4 times when I've been around to witness it and I've been thoroughly entertained each time. The title of the post today is stemming from, when do I tell everyone I'm moving to Seattle? When do I get the guts to actually make the move AND how the heck am I going to afford it all? I'm sure Heavenly Father will provide a way when I have done all I can do. I also really want to go back to Alaska. Visiting my homeland sounds so comforting right now, I just need another hug I think. 

Day 21: I just really miss you and I don't know what to do about it

I didn't take this picture today because I haven't seen this lovely lady in 4 months and 6 days, but I'm not counting or anything. She's been out in the mission field for just over 4 months and for some reason tonight my heart is choosing to remember all the wonderful times we have had and how we will again. I love you so much, Chistie Killjoy Wilcos, knowing you has greatly enriched my life. 14 more months, I know I shouldn't be counting down already, but I can't help it, I'm lost without you. You are wonderful :) 

Day 20: Laughter is a powerful thing

Today I worked for the last day with Jrawr (that's not her real name, my coworker dubbed her that a few months back) and I couldn't be happier. It was a routine day, the normal amounts of stress and excitement, I left a bit late because something popped up right at the last of the day. I spent the rest of my evening with this lady. The bear she's holding is actually quite ugly and we had a blast ding dong ditching him to a dear friend of ours as part of an ongoing joke. Let the games commence! 

Day 19: when the world keeps spinning

Keeping yourself busy is the key. I love these two people, trying to catch up with people in crowded rooms with merriment happening all around is difficult. Sometimes I say things that are incredibly forward to people that are unexpecting. I am just sad and waiting to move to Seattle, aunt Cindy should call me back this week then we'll see how it works out 

Day 18: I am a country girl at heart

Words cannot express the joy I felt while petting this beautiful creature. It may have been incredibly illegal, but also one of the best moments of my year to date. Plus how wonderful is it that I took my camera out and just took a bunch of pictures? I have gotten better, I feel better, I feel loved, I see the love in the world, I felt the soft hair of this beautiful animal and I thoroughly enjoy this life. 

Day 17: Oh gift shop, you're so clever

Wish I had dates, I made a pact with myself to date more this year, so far I have failed completely. However it's only 17 days into the year. 

A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera - Say Something

This is the song that keeps me going. Why is it that songs about giving up give me the most hope? I just feel like they are such an excellent way to start over, even if Christina Aguilera tries way way too hard to be seductive so it just turns into a big flop, plus the weird guy who just stands next to the piano. What? Anyway, still a good song.

Day 16: Just bonding over pie

Remember how I've been really great at my New Years resolutions until I made a delicious pie? And then invited everyone I know over to partake? It was a lovely time. There have been many evenings left to lounging around the kitchen conversing with friends and strangers alike. I love this place. 

Day 15: super hipster

Meeting old roommates for dinner has never been as glamorous as it is now. Kimmi is late and I'm sleepy, what a shame I am to my age because it isn't even 5:30 and I'm ready to call it a night. Oh well 

Day 14: it's amazing how this speaks to my heart

We went to do baptisms again today, I love this temple and these women, I'm not ready for Ariel to go back to New York yet. 

Day 13: harps?

I just don't know about this whole harp situation. I'm grateful she shared her talents with the whole hospital. Since when does this happen? 

Day 12: This is the not sarcastically best day ever

When the day starts with a meeting to make sure the ward council is all on the same page and multiple hugs from friends old and new it's sure to be a winner. I feel so spiritually and mentally uplifted. Much the opposite of the picture for today, Rachael sometimes makes a wonderful face with her stories. I hope to add all the important people in my life to this blog and the challenge I've given myself. 

Day 11:Slip slidin' away

Do you know skis used to look like this? Neither did I full today. I also know that sledding is a blast and when done with the right people can be a truly memorable experience. It wasn't even cold, we were in our t-shirts by the end. 

Day 10: Parties are great ways to people watch

I go to parties and spend time with people that make it easy to people watch. I love this picture. And these people and all the rest of the humans that you can't see in this tiny little frame. And the fact that the cell phones are all laying discarded on the table. 

Day 9: Let Love In

This couple inspires me to reach for more. Their story is my favorite because they overcame their initial reactions to each other and became the amazing couple they are. Also I love taking pictures people don't know that I'm taking :) here's to a wedding soon? I hope!! 

Day 8: What keeps me going

This woman and her letters keep me going and help me to know I am amazing and loved. I miss you every second of every day. 

Day 7: I see everything more clearly here

I love these days with Ariel, we went to the temple with Janine and it felt like going home. 

Saying "what hurts the most" is too cliche

I find it hardest to turn of all thoughts of you and the music that only makes me wish we were dancing in my backyard under the lights again just like that first night. I don't know what came over me and I'm glad, letting you into my life was the hardest and easiest thing I've done. You get me so completely and have this way of reminding me when I'm being less than what I should be. You make me be better for me before I try to go off and please others. I love you, I think of it all day, every day. Come back to me. 

Day 6: the adventures continue

Today I worked, Ariel did homework, Katie went to school then we all got Jdawgs for a glorious dinner together :) 

There's a guy who looks at me from across the room that meets my eyes and makes me smile. 

Day 5: Welcome back to my life

This fantastic lady came into town today and I had the marvelous experience of picking her and her beau up at the airport to let the adventures of Ariel, Taylor and Sabrina continue :) I love those folks and I'm so happy for the outpouring of love and comfort I've received from her being here even this short time.   

Day 4: Adventure is a lonely road

Utah lake with it's many visitors playing on the ice on this immensely cold day. Sometimes Utah is interestingly beautiful. 

Day 3: View from the front

Tonight I had a lovely outing with my old bishop and his wife. He has since been called to the stake presidency, but that happy couple will forever hold a special place in my heart. This is the view from their front porch :) pictures never seem to do these places justice. 

Day 2: driving home in the dark

I'm trying not to think about how many hours I was gone from home today. Thanks to the nice car repair men I was able to drive this distance without problems. Something existential about the road and hills and other cars   

Resolutions

This is going to be the best year of my life and here's why: 

-For the first time ever I made resolutions 

-They are attainable goals 

-One of them means I get to leave Utah 

-Adventures are waiting for me 

-My journey to find myself is well on its way 

-I love writing and taking pictures 

Day 1: 365 photos

Moving to the beats we don't feel, listening to the melodies on repeat, changing ourselves for all we do. Happy New Year! 

If I could text you

So many things are running through my head right now I feel like if I shared them with you then they wouldn't continue to torment me. 

If I could text you I would invite you to come over and make out exactly as I did that one wonderful night many months ago. I felt more alive in that instance than I have for the past 3 months, maybe it was the danger of getting caught or the fact that it was past curfew or that I was completely crazy about you or the way you always tease me with your lips along my jawline or the fact that with you everything was playful and fun. 

If I could text you I'd tell you how much I long for your touch and to see your face adorned with nerdy glasses and a smirk at whatever snarky comment I've just made. 

If I could text you I would tell you all about my plans to move so I can live in Seattle until you come home, then I'll move wherever you want me. 

If I could text you I would say how much I love you and dream of you every night and think of you all day every day. 

If I could text you I would send you pictures of my adventures and tell you that I'm still living and experiences life even though you are gone from me. 

If I could text you I would ask you if this is real or if I'm just imagining this infatuation. If all those days and nights we spent together meant the same thing to you they still mean to me. 

If I could text you I would tell you how much I yearn for you and Christie to be back at my sides once more to set my world straight and give me the joy I once felt on a daily basis. 

If I could text you I would tell you that my heart hurts for the loss of my grandpa and uncle and that I live in constant fear of more phone calls like those ones. 

If I could text you I would ask if you think it's a good move for me to head to Seattle to check something else off my list and enjoy all that this world has to offer. I would ask you to join me there when you come home. 

If I could text you I would cry happy tears to not wait months for a letter. 

If I could text you I would tell you how much those letters meant to me and how my heart soared each time I looked at them or the pictures that usually accompanied such happy occasions. 

If I could text you I would admit what a sap I have become for you, I would tell you all sorts of embarrassing things and let you laugh at me for I so love your laugh. 

Alas, I can't text you, but I can write my thoughts on this blog where you'll never see them. I miss you always, I love you, come home soon. 

Obligatory New Years post

Why do we say "happy New Years" as opposed to the grammatically correct "happy new year" it's always been an interesting conundrum for me. I'm mostly positive that this is the latest I've stayed up, maybe ever. Okay, I've pulled all nighters before, I was a teenager, it happens, but the latest I've stayed up in the past year was maybe 12:30 once or twice and I certainly don't look forward to doing this again. I think it's funny how we start off our new year with a headache from the night before and lack of sleep. This is why I will end up a spinster because I have an old soul and no one around to appreciate it. I'm done with this place. Writing from the guest bedroom at Marissas parents house, goodnight, world