I can't sleep a lot

It's currently 2:50 am, I was pulled from my bed over a half hour ago for reasons that PMS alone can tell you and have been sitting here thinking jumbled thoughts about nearly every subject under the moon. Why does that one girl I know always post pictures that make her look unhappy? Why does the phrase "the selfie game is strong with that one" keep running through my head? Why are my feet asleep and the rest of me isn't? Is that some sort of indication? How hard is it going to be to get up in two hours? Man, I really need new sweatpants. Do people just buy new sweatpants? Is there a comfy sweatpants store? I inherited these ones from Sarah Ezell. Whoops! But they were already worn in and that was nearly 6 years ago. Whose the real winner here? What time does the sun come up today? Hint: at 7:04. I'll be in the gym at the time. I made a mistake and rented "the other side of heaven" from the library. I wonder if other people cry just thinking about a movie? That movie is my life right now. Do I get a pass for that? I just snap chatted linnea. She's going to think I'm crazy. Probably she's not that far off. Ooh I don't want to go to work. Probably ever again. Think I can retire at 22? Probably not. Bummer deal! I just realized this is the equivalent of talking to myself. Ehh, wouldn't be the first time. Nor the last, I dare say. Well, it's probably time I consider lying back down and taking my chances. Maybe you'll hear from me again soon! 

Listening to the silence

I have learned to listen. Serving those around me makes me love them more. I am sure that's why I love Braden as much as I do and his sweet wife, Lauren and I feel so much love for my roommates on days like today when I make dinner for them. These past few weeks I have been progressing in the gospel and it feels wonderful. Elder Ballard gave a talk on silence and the power of it a little less than a year ago and it has resonated with me so much since then. I love silence. I love hearing the nothing. I feel more in tune with my father in heaven and with those around me when I don't have background noise. 

The thoughts aren't coming out cohesive today. 

Just to hear your name.

Christie told me a story today. She met someone this weekend who knows my Devon and they told her he was a great missionary and a zone leader and doing really well. And when she told me that I started crying. Because I'm a girl and it is getting so so real! We're down to 103 days to go!! He's a good missionary. I knew that, but it was nice to have it reaffirmed by an Outside source. What a life this is. Someday soon hopefully my life will be blissful. 

Sometimes the answer is no

I had a bad feeling while I was praying this evening that sent me into hysterics. It was more real than any prompting I've ever recieved. And I'm worried that the answer is no. I have to remember that life will most definitely still be worth living and there is much more love to be had even if the answer is no. Dallin confided in me that he has self diagnosed chronic depression. I don't know why he confided that to me, but I will be doing everything I can to help. I don't think Christie needs me, but I think Dallin might. Bri and Devon don't love dallin, but I can't deny that friendship simply because it's inconvenient. I have to help. I have to stay on the straight and narrow. I have to be the best I can be. 

I was remembered

I don't know where his brain is. I don't know how or even if I should ask. I miss that love. I wish Cassie didn't know him. I'm happy I know him. I want him to be my life. I just need sleep. 

I'm on my way

Remember a little bit ago when I said I missed the person I was? I glimpsed her today. I wanted to be outside and go hiking, wasting this day wasn't an option for me. I didn't have anything I had to do so as I got my errands done I checked the ward Facebook page to find someone had poste they were going hiking and everyone was welcome to join them. And I immediately thought, why not? What is keeping me from going to do something I really want to do? And I don't have to pay for it! And the boy who posted is someone who has always been nice to me. When I've let him get inside my bubble anyway. So I went! All by myself and without telling anyone that's what I was doing. We had such a blast! These marvelous people were so loving and we made really good time and had so so so much fun! And I'm finally realizing that my body is capable of SO much! I ran over half a mile this morning and still felt good, that is progress! And I was able to hike for 3&1/2 miles without dying! I just feel wonderful about this day! Getting rid of these extra pounds and having fun while doing it feels amazing! Plus I got to go be in the snow while wearing shorts! This Alaskan girl is happy. And I made two new friends and strengthened the bond with two others I already had. This is what I'm talking about! Being open to do things outside my comfort zone and go into the mountains with people I don't know all that well to traipse through the snow for hours. Sounds like a good idea :) I feel so rejuvenated! The mountains were calling and I answered "I must go" oh I look forward to more days like today. Plus I got to see Christie for awhile. I love it when that happens! I get to hear from Devon tomorrow!!! 

I hope for you often

It's amazing to me the difference I find after I've read that email from the sweet man I love so very dearly! I know you're all sick of me gushing about him and I care very little. Last nights installation was "I'm glad you're having fun with marriage :) it's a very very good thing :)" That's TWO very's :) He is the reason I add smiley faces to everything now. I was NEVER that way before and now I can't even sign my name without wanting to add the happiness that comes with everything. Oh I am so aware that I am a gushy gushy girl, but I had a delicious dream too! Coming in a moment. Last week we were talking about my friends getting married and how I was going shopping with the bride. I just get so excited when I think of doing that for our wedding! Ahh It's such a fun feeling. And that could very easily be my life! Okay so my Dream. Last night I went to bed a bit later than usual, but I accomplished every needful thing and I never go to bed particularly promptly on Sunday nights, but I digress. In the dream I was going to pick him up at the airport. I made a sign (which is something I've thought about a lot over the past year, silly, I know) that said "Today I've loved you for (insert number here) days" and I was wearing a purple sun dress with my hair just so and the beaming smile I couldn't contain. I searched for his face in the crowd and the anticipation was killing me! People were stopping to smile at my sign and all of the sudden, there he was. With his nerdy glasses and big smile. He walked to me with deliberate steps, stopped just in front of me, dropped all his bags as I jumped into his arms. (If this isn't enough of a scene straight out of a romantic comedy for you then there is no hope) he spun me around and we laughed and held each other for long after our onlookers had gone. We caused quite a stir in the arrivals area that's for sure. And I woke up aching for him. 5:00 am and a wide awake Sabrina feeling so empty as the next four months threaten to eat me alive. Four more months, I can do it! I can do it! I can email and write and be supportive and hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope! It'll fly by, these dreams are a blessing and a curse. More blessing than curse, that's for sure :) Till next time and my silly hopelessly romantic self!

I ain't missin' you at all.. Except that's a lie

This morning I had the most amazing experience. I went to a ward and sat in the hallway. I tried to listen over the noise those sweet kids sitting in the foyer were making and that was basically a losing battle, but I knew I needed to be there. And as I was pulling my phone out to while away the hour a voice that I know so very well came over the speaker and soothed my troubled heart. My sweet friends Daniel and Sam Sanders got up to bear their testimonies. I haven't seen them since Thomas left. And since the very first time I met Daniel he has been nothing but a marvelous friend to me. The one that hugs me regardless of time crunch or circumstance. The first time I met Sam was about 6 months after I met Daniel and we were at a ward barbecue and I was giving her the third degree. I wanted to know where she was from, what her life was like, which languages she spoke and she answered every question with poise and laughter. Her last name was Smiley at the time and boy that fit her so well. I used to be this vibrant person that made connections like those. I miss that girl. I miss the connections I used to make. I can be that woman again. I will be that woman again. I just need to stop being so stressed and crazy. I have so much more to give than what I have been. I think I'll be better from now on. Starting tonight I'll go to ward prayer and actually talk to someone. Tomorrow for FHE I'll chat with Lindsay and Wendy and get to know them. I'll show my visiting teachees that I really love them. It will be grand and I'll have the love for those around me. I needed this wake up call. I want to be that woman again. I miss my people, I'll be better.