2012

 

Alice's Birthday party! 

My room roommate turned 21 and we have a superhero party! 

 

Christie runs in the dirty dash! 

She had such a great time and I had an even better time watching and photographing the whole ordeal

That was a lovely day in the mountains. 

 

My first concert! 

Jonathan Hardy accompanied me to a rooftop concert in downtown Provo, Peter Brienholt playing. 

Summer evenings are lovely round here

 

Midway, UT is our favorite place!

We got lost and found delicious tres leches and some crop circles, 

Adventure is out there! 

 

Marissa! 

She helps out with fund raisers and I help her out! Jon was running the photo booth and we were getting people for him to photograph, it was lovely

 

These folk were the highlights of my summer. 

I love how awkward the two of them look compared to the blissful smile on Braden's face. 

This sums up their relationships. 

And I love each of them incredibly so : ) 

These are photos of my life these past several months, the people that have impacted my life and why I am the person that I am this day.  

I want to send out a "thank you" to each of them as they have had a hand in shaping me 

I have laughed more this year with less tears than I can ever remember

I want to be happy and enjoy my life and I have been successful in the past several months. 

Goodnight, dear void and take care, there are those who love deeply

Hobbies hobby hobbit hobbits hobbity

Day 23: list your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

1. building puzzles
They are mindless and lovely. It's so nice to sit and build a puzzle for hours on end while watching movies and having fun conversations. 

2. collecting spoons
I buy a spoon every time I go somewhere new and send friends to all corners of the globe in search of collectors spoons. Its a funny thing to collect, but I've acquired over 70 of them so far. 

3. photography
I love to capture moments that may not have been recognized. You can remember the exact color of  someones eyes and how your hair looked unfortunate cut a certain way. Or wonderful friends or family members who are no longer in your life. 

4.baking
I make good crap.

5. dancing
It's fun and carefree. When it's done correctly it can be an absolutely beautiful thing. I want a sign for my kitchen that says "this kitchen is for dancing"

If only I could decice this all right now.

Day 22: Where do you see yourself in 5 year? 10 years? 15 years?

5 Years: I will (hopefully) be married and living somewhere other than Provo. Maybe Seattle! Or somewhere I've never lived before. At this time of the year I will have been preparing our first home for Christmas and bursting at the seems with a pregnant belly awaiting eagerly our first child. I will have quit whatever job I had by this point being so close to having a baby so I can be a stay at home mom and making our home all cozy so my parents could come visit for the holidays from their home in Washington.

10 years: We'll have three children and be living in our third or fourth home which will be on the east coast. My husband will be even more in love with my than ever and will have just gotten a promotion at work so he can earn more wages and spend more time with our lovely children. His brother and sister-in-law will live one town over with their children of similar ages and we'll get together on Sundays for family time. Linnea will be married and expecting her first child after a few years of trying and they will be heading to our home for the holidays that year. Rebecca, Melissa and Christina will all have accepted the gospel into their lives. Bob and Adam will both be home from their missions and either dating seriously or married by that point.

15 years: Our family will be nearly complete with 5 lovely children with the 6th thought about almost every second, we'll still be living on the east coast and our oldest baptized and recently  gotten back from our ten year anniversary trip to Venice, Italy.  We will continue to love and nurture our children in the home as my husband cares for us by providing and laughing at the snarkiness of our children and their witty ways. We will love each other dearly and carry on having adventures and enjoying the humble existence that comes with having 5 wonderful children.

I'm up for any interpretation and if my life doesn't turn out exactly like this I'll be okay. My life will be lovely and I'm so excited to have a home and be loved and love my children someday. Now you know my deepest darkest desires.

Silly, but true.

Day 21: If you could have one super power what would it be and what would you do first?

I would have super strength, then I would never worry about having to get help with being a fragile silly girl. Also, then I could pick up cars and let's be honest, that would be freaking awesome! I would help people out from under large things and hulk smash so many things!

I call him a dumb boy, but the truth is he's the smartest person I've ever known

Taking a break to say that today I started thinking about what will happen when Braden comes back to Provo. I envisioned the whole me running in slow motion towards him with us both grinning like idiots and holding him so tight in a hug that is long long overdue. There's an almost kiss then we back off and it's awkward for half a second before Alice and Christie are there to hug him as well. I wonder if he'll call me when he gets back to Ohio for Christmas, I think that would make me so unbelievably happy. Hearing his voice would be so wonderful, when I miss it I just watch some of the silly youtube videos he's in. Thank goodness for Travis and his need to record Braden and various others doing lovely and silly things.
I miss him quite a bit today, and I didn't realize how much it was wearing on me until I sat down in institute and the tears were streaming down my face before I even knew what had happened. Then I started to think about the things I wrote in the previous paragraph. I don't sleep well these days and I don't rightly know what's missing in my life other than a large chunk of Braden Jay Hancock. I don't want to admit to myself that I may be one of those girls who goes to pieces when the man she fancies is away. Granted he has been gone awhile and still has a little under two months before I see his darling face again. Good thing he will move in just across the street and we can spend our days laughing and playing with each other. He seems like the kind of person that likes to play and have life be a game. There is a certain air about him that makes others at ease and feel adventurous and inventive.
I've gone on too long, haven't I? I suppose I should prepare myself for the fact that he may come back completely in love with some girl he met in Jerusalem, he has written me that a particular one sparked his fancy, but he seemed pessimistic about it so should that give me cause to hope? Do I wait these two months all the while planning out what to say in the most correct way possible to tell him of my desire to be his desire? Oh this is too much for this late at night. I need sleep. And help. At this moment, sleep more than help.

Exposure to the world is vital

Day 19: If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

If I had to live in the USA I would choose Seattle area or the Northeast corner of the country such as Maine or New Hampshire. I love everything about Seattle with the rain and different culture, but at the same time I have never spent much time on the other side of the U.S. and I really want to live over there for awhile.
If I could live outside the USA I would choose Italy or Ireland. I love both of those countries and their culture, I've never been to either before, but I would like to live in Europe and enjoy the different aspects of foreign living. Those are a few of my choices. I love to travel and I want to experience all different kinds of life in various cultures throughout the world.

Life get's hard sometimes, that's no reason to change.

Day 18: What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

I have had a fairly easy life, I have been blessed with lovely people that generally don't hurt me and therefore nothing huge immediately comes to mind. I would probably say having to forgive Kelsey Cottle over and over again. We were best friends all throughout high school and she hurt me more than most other people by the way she casually tossed aside our friendship on more than one occasion. It was many hard times being unloved by her, but I wish her well with her life and hope she feels the same about mine.

They're Taking The Hobbits To Isengard!

As of right now this is my most favorite youtube video. Also, the pearly gates video with all my favorite BYU men in it is pretty great as well, they both make me laugh so so much. Every time I've listened to this in the past week I have laughed my head off. Also each time I've thought about it. So please, watch and enjoy :)

Being a girl is hard

Day 17. What is the thing you most wish you were good at?

I wish I was good at buying clothes, accessorizing and wearing fancy things. So I guess I wish I was better at being a girl. I am so content to wear my ratty old jeans and a hoodie I got from my roommate with my silly purple vans that sometimes I wish I could wear earrings without them getting in the way or not irritating my ears. I wish I was good at matching shoes/clothes/dresses/jewelry and all that jazz. I know I'm sounding pathetic, but I just don't care enough to throw all the money at it to make my wardrobe better. Every once in awhile I wish I could hire someone to shop for me because I hate it so so much. It is such a blow to my self esteem each time and reminds me how broke I am. I hope I get some clothes or shoes for my birthday that's coming up very quickly because I just know that I won't buy those things for myself. Some days I think I can be really good at it, and I wear a headband or do my hair just so, but by the end of the day I'm so sick of it being that way. It's silly for sure. I give up.

I accomplish things sometimes.

Day 16: What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

I don't quite know how to categorize them into 5 sections, or even that I have 5 greatest accomplishments, but here goes..

1. Graduation from High School. I was one of those that couldn't wait to get out and get a start on my life. I had a mostly full time job all through my Junior and Senior years and I loved nearly every second of it. By the time Senior year rolled around I was quite ready to get out of the ridiculous things that happened in my high school. Being around the swearing, sex and underage drinking took it's toll on me. I didn't exactly spend my days with the most wholesome people. So it was interesting to get out of there finally.

2. Finishing my young womens personal progress. I love love love my medallion and I wear it from time to time to remind myself of how much work and effort I put into it. I remember when I had my special event where we celebrated my completion I cried because of all the journals I had filled with love and exciting things.

3. My first job that wasn't being employed by my father. I loved working at Lucas Chiropractic and I think the friendships I made there will stick with me for the rest of my life.

4. My first adult job, On-call secretary for Intermountain Healthcare in Utah Valley. I work with so many wonderful people and generally feel very accomplished with myself when I return home from a long day at work.

5. Moving out of my parents house. I lived in that structure my entire life. I was even born within it's walls. I lived there my whole life until June 28th 2011. That is the day my dad and Joe took me and my mother to the Anchorage to put us on a place California bound for my first out of Alaska vacation in 3 years. It was only a little over a week prior to that when Joe asked me to be his wife and I turned him down, then decided this trip was something I wouldn't be returning from. I moved into my grandparents house a few weeks later after my mother and I had completed our vacation through the west side of the United States and lived there quite happily for some time while I healed from all of the changes my life had taken on.

NO thank you.

Day 15: If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

I don't like animals. Mostly at all. I like Nikki my parents chitzu  (or however you spell it) and she's adorable and cuddly and sweet and soft. But she's wonderful and not slimy and doesn't shed and doesn't stink most of the time. I just don't like messes or slime or slithery things or to take care of pets, I feel as though it's an unnecessary expense and at this time where I feel as though I have absolutely no money, it is unfathomable to me.

So conclusion, I don't want to be an animal, I like being human.


PS. I got asked on a date tonight :) Saturday's Divine Comedy show is sounding so so great to me :) Taylor with the eyes asked me to be his date. So now I'm really excited because the last date I was asked on was in March.. hooray :) I'm being a dumb girl, but I'm so excited!

Give me strength

Day 14: What are 5 Strengths that you have?

1. I was told today that I was, "the light of the ward" and "who isn't friends with Sabrina?" As in I am friends with everybody. I think one of my strengths is that I have the ability to make friends. I remember names and get to know all of the lovely things about people I come in contact with.

2. I'm really great at building puzzles

3. I love love love to write hand written letters and I think I'm good at coming up with things to say without being over the top or petty and ridiculous.

4. I'm good at washing dishes, which is a good thing because it drives me nuts to have dishes in the sink. 

5. I think I'm a good driver with the right amount of aggression.

Weaknesses are for squares.

Day 13: Describe 5 weaknesses you have

1. I see the good in everybody. I fall for people and things without much thought and therefore open myself up to an entire world of hurt.

2. I'm bad at taking the bathroom trash out. haha I know it's ridiculous, but I'm just really bad at it.

3. Folding laundry. I hate clean laundry, I just never really take care of it most of the time and it aggravates me, but I don't like to fold it.

4. Sometimes I get upset if I don't get my way. I just really look forward to the day when I can have my own home and run my own place. I love my roommates, but we're all just here temporarily till we move on with whatever comes next in our lives.

5. I am extremely snarky. I was joking with Alice and told her that wasn't a weakness, that was a strength. I do think being witty is a strength, but I know I go one step farther than that with my snarkiness most of the time. I'll work on it.

That just seems serendiptous

Turns out, the uninvited, Not that scary. I jumped the most when she pushed open a closet and it made a big noise. Which was mostly due to the fact that everyone had built up this movie so much in my head and I was stressing out, then I calmed right down and it wasn't scary much after that. Apparently I have a higher tolerance for scary movies than I had originally thought. Good thing it's Halloween time and I have an excuse to watch them.
Anyway, moving on.
I spent the day making fajitas and frosting and eating sugar cookie dough. I forgot just how delicious it was until Christie made it. She made mummies and pumpkins. they turned out so so cute!

I feel selfish having so much family so close and not wanting to spend any time with any of them for thanksgiving. It's that time of year when everybody talks about Thanksgiving and their plans and all that jazz and makes sure that your home teachees and visit teachees have a place to go. I don't know if I want to stay in Provo and fend for myself or do I want to go spend the day with family? I should find out if the offices are open on Black Friday because if they aren't then I just might head up to Logan and spend the whole weekend there. Aunt Jeanne has got to be a fun person to spend black friday with :) But if I have the potential to work that day I want to take advantage of that. I feel silly being this way, but I need the hours so so badly. Oh the conflict of being an on-call secretary. Maybe I will just take the day and get out of Provo for a bit. I wanted to for conference, but it didn't work out. So we'll see if it turns out this time. I'll call them first thing tomorrow. I think I just made up my mind.

Girl, look at that body

I spent the other night making out with a boy who probably isn't going to be living in my state in two months, then I spent the rest of the week dreaming about a man who is far far away in Jerusalem. What is my deal? Why am I so crazy about a man who I haven't seen in over two months and who clearly doesn't feel the same? I dream of running into his arms when he comes home and never letting go. I want to be the woman he dances with in the kitchen in 25 years and beyond. I want him to be the man who spends weekends in my garage fixing and fiddling with things. I want to sit next to him in church each sunday with our unruly bunch of children laughing and enjoying the family we've created and love we share. Oh to actually be in love like I've thought of in my dreams. Anyway, cleaning checks are tomorrow and tonight Devon and Kyle are coming over to watch the uninvited! ahh! Stay tuned for terrifying posts to come : )

Jerusalem stole my shoes.

Some days it is just harder than others to put on a brave face and let your world revolve around you. Today it has been harder. I find myself missing Braden dearly at any given moment, I spend more hours than I'm proud of thinking of him and our grand adventures together, I can see him having a splendid time and reading his blog makes me feel closer to him. He is loving every second over there and I wouldn't take that away from him for all the tea in china. I think it's amazing that he is getting this chance to go and experience so many wonderful things that I wish I had the chance to as well. I just don't really know. I'm so happy to read his blog and hear about all of the neat things he's doing. and here's another blog post that has turned into "I miss Braden" so we're moving on from that for a bit and I'm going to go catch up on some Grey's Anatomy. I'm getting so close to the end!

Alice is on a second date

Here is my problem, I don't know what I want. I know I want to be a mom and take pictures well and be loved so deeply that the giant squids could see it at the bottom of the ocean. But do I want to compromise myself for that? Do I want to get better at making friends and being accepting of faults I see in others? Do I want to live in Utah for another year? Do I want to move somewhere else? Do I want to get better at flirting and lose this extra weight I've got hanging off myself? Do I want to change for Braden? Does Brandypants want me to change for him? Do I want to get a second job? Do I want to call Lindsey Orton and follow her on some shoots? Do I want to put my heart in a jar for the next 3 months till this boy I'm crazy about comes back to me? Do I honestly believe he'll come back to me? Do I only wish these things were true because he's far away and can't hurt me right now? Why do I let myself believe things that may or may not be true?

Oh I need to sleep.

And then I turn into this girl who's been in love with this guy since February

I have crazy dreams, I have dreams about people in my life, I have dreams about people I've never met, I have dreams about the characters in t.v. shows I watch, I make up what some of my friends parents would look like and I dream about them.
Last night I had a dream that I went to the Jerusalem center and professed my love to Braden, I told him I loved the way he has a sneaky glint in his eye when he thinks he's getting away with something, I told him I wanted to be the one he wants forever, I said something about having his 7 kids and always laughing. I brought up all these silly little things about our life together thus far and just laughed and cried and tried to choke it all out before I couldn't. I remember thinking about it on the plane and planning it all out before I got there then saying nothing that I had written down.
I woke up missing him so bad it physically hurts. I just want to bring him up in everything I do, I want to make sure everyone knows exactly how often I'm thinking of him (well, not really, that would be silly and highly annoying) I want to have that anticipation of if he's going to try to hold my hand when we go do something or if he's going to ask me on real dates. I want him to be here and it pains me that he is so far away having such marvelous experiences and I feel as though life has gone on here as regular. I love reading his blog, I unintentionally read it in his voice and laugh out loud with each post. He has such exuberance for life and it makes me want to be better and make happier choices for myself. I miss cooking for him, he gives the best compliments. He's sweet and awkward and snarky and a complete gentleman. The poor boy can't cook anything other than burritos. He loves Christie's apron and claims it for his own each time he's here.

This isn't making me feel any better, on the bright side it's been over 3 weeks which means There 3 months and some change before he's back stateside. Well actually, it's less than 3 months. He'll be back before Christmas, Merry Christmas to me!


Oh dear. 

So that happened.

Braden is far far away in Jerusalem, and yet he can still make me laugh by the things he's written on his blog. Oh dear I miss that boy.
Also, I made out with Devon, he's a pre-mi in my ward and he's really wonderful and we spent hours last night just swapping stories before he spun me into his self then kissed me fervently. It was wonderful. Then we kissed a few more times and each was better than the previous. Then when we were saying goodnight he said I seemed to have a lot of experience.. oh crap. haha I'm just a really good kisser apparently. He's better at kissing than Joe.

Also, there is a thunder and lightning storm happening outside right now and I'm supposed to go on a walk with Devon later, lets hope it blows over.

I've turned into one of those girls. Dang it.

Day 12

Day 12: Describe a typical day in your current life.

Well first of course I wake up to the first of my 3 alarms. I have it designed that way so the first one wakes me up then the second one reminds me that I have them set at that time for a reason then it's considered a productive day if the third goes off by the time I'm in the shower. I shower and make sure I've brushed my teeth and washed my face before either drying my hair or doing my make-up. Whichever one didn't win is quickly following the one that did. I dress and gather everything I need and am out the door at 15 till. I may stop and chat with whichever one of my roommates happen to be up by the time I need to leave. I then work for hours and hours. I get a half hour lunch somewhere in there which always seems to pass far too quickly. Then around 5:00 I close down my computer and make the trek back to my car before heading home to whatever activity is going on that night. I usually sneak in an episode of Grey's anatomy where I can, then laugh with my roommates and whichever extra person happens to be around at that time before finishing up some loose ends and heading to bed. I don't do a lot day to day, but I have a lot of fun.

Day 11

Day 11: Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

1. Bad Grammar.
They're, there and their: know the difference.
too, to and two, completely different meanings.

2. Bickering
As of late there has been a substantial amount of bickering in my home and it just makes me agitated  and unhappy.

3. People putting their feet on the bottom rungs of my chairs.

4. Fans/Noises/Lights when I'm trying to sleep

5. People walking slowly across the road, I will so run you over

6. Those people that run the red light after it's been changed for 30 seconds, that's how accidents happen

7. Giggly, annoying, peppy, skinny girls. (A combination of all those things, not as though I dislike skinny girls)

8. Styrofoam. I hate the sound and the feel and everything about it just hurts my insides and outsides.

9. Stereotypes. I know they come from somewhere, but holy cow, people get stuck in them and it's just unfortunate.

10. DVD's on top of the DVD player out of the case. They get scratched and it's super inconsiderate to use someone else's things without taking care of them afterwards.

Day 10

Day 10: Describe your most embarrassing moment.

I have history with this guy in my ward, I liked him then I didn't, he liked me, then he still does. We have spent a whole lot of time together over the past few months and had a lot of really great conversations. Things have finally started being more normal between us because there was mostly just so much awkward for a long time, but we decided we were going to be friends, so we have been. and last week at the bishops house I walked in on him going to the bathroom. I just was mostly mortified and couldn't look him in the eye for days. And he's really been making an effort to get past it, but I feel as though that was the first time I was genuinely embarrassed by something I'd done. It's something we're working past, but it's just going to take some effort.

Day 9!

Day 9: List 10 people that have influenced your life and describe how.

Nanette Summers
This wonderful lady was the young womens president while I struggled my way through high school and she was always there with something to say to me to help me through and when I sat in her computer room crying the night before I went back to high school for my senior year she just knew exactly what to say and how long to let me cry before she intervened.

Nancy Willis
This lady taught me to play the piano and many other useful things in my life. She was always just so open with me and let me be myself and even hosted a family birthday party for me one year. She is wonderful.

Rachael Eggett (Snow)
She was the laurel president when I was a beehive and I looked up to her in more ways than one. She always seemed to have it together and we spent a lot of time together growing up being that we lived right down the street from each other. She shares my love of Alaska and someday we'll both go back.

Judy Holbrook
She is my mother and the person who taught me the most about life and love and it was just a perk that these other women have also had a hand in that. She is so nice to me and wants to hear all about my life, but doesn't push. She's just wonderful to me.

Jerry Holbrook
My father is exactly like me and as such he has had a rather large impact on my life and how I've lived it. He has always let me know exactly what is expected of me and love love love him for that. Plus he knows how to joke in a way that makes everyone feel like they have a place in his heart.

Bob E. Holbrook
My one blood related uncle, me and him have always shared a nice relationship. We are both incredibly sassy to each other and as such it has made family gatherings wildly entertaining. He's a gem and always willing to chat.

Kelsey Cottle
This girl has influenced me not necessarily for the best, but she used to make sure I knew where to go, how I was loved and what she ultimately wanted. She was a good and bad influence on my life.

Jonathan Hardy
Oh my goodness I am so thankful for this man. He was the first person I met in my new ward in Provo when I first moved here after being in the ward for one day and he immediately made me feel welcome and hasn't stopped since that day. He is always around if I need a hug or a whole puncher and serenades me on a nearly daily basis. He is one of the best friends I've ever had and I'm so grateful for him every single day that I am around.

Garic Hayes
This man changed my life in Seminary. He knew how to talk to us like we were equals, but still kept order in the room. He's funny and spiritual and wonderful and everything I could've asked for in a seminary teacher. He knew how to connect with me and when to ask if I was alright and when to listen to my slightly snarky comments.  It usually ended with laughter even if it was muffled because we weren't really supposed to be laughing. He's a top notch guy.

Braden Hancock
This man knows how to give a compliment. He has spent many a Sunday afternoon in my kitchen helping me prepare meals and laughing at me as I make messes and delicious food. He out-awkwards my roommates frequently and makes me laugh like no one has in a long long time. He is very frank with me about most things and I genuinely enjoy his company. He has been one of my dear friends these past months and has changed my heart about many things. He has opened my eyes to different things throughout the world and makes me thankful every day that I didn't give up on him.

Day 8

Day 8: What are 5 passions you have?

1. Puzzle building.
I love everything about it. I love to set up the table in front of the T.V. and watch silly old movies and chat with cute boys while I sit in my pajamas and enjoy the nothingness on my brain. So much of what I do these days is so mentally exhausting that I feel as though I don't do anything at 100% anymore. Building puzzles clears my brain and lets me enjoy the long hours hunched over placing piece after piece until the whole picture comes together.

2. Walking in the rain.
There is something so calming about walking in a storm. It feels as though I am the only stationary thing in a world that is being tossed to and fro with the torment of a storm. the little pitter pat of rain on the roof used to lull me to sleep and there is something so incredibly wonderful with how Alaska smells after the rain has fallen. There isn't a more clean smell in all the world. The whole earth starts fresh and even though the cold pierces the very core of your body, it is the most vibrant sense of health and alive I've ever felt.

3. Photography.
I like to take pictures, end of story.

4. Writing letters
I think it means so much more when you take the time to write a note down and send it states, and sometime even continents away. Just to let the person on the other end have some comfort from knowing you think of them.

5. Christmas lights
They just make any situation better. We currently have about 10 strands up in our backyard strung through the trees to better serve dessert night. I just like to look at them and remember all the times I had them in my window as a child and how happy they are and make me think of christmas and snow. Also my favorite holiday.

4 months and counting

Day 7: What is your dream job and why?

I would like to be a photographer, a dang good one. I would like to marry this photographer I know then have adorable photogenic babies.
So that combines my two dream jobs, I want first and foremost to be a mother and have wonderful animated talented funny children and take photos for a living when it works with my schedule.

The days are longer, nights are shorter

Why don't boys ask girls on dates?
There is a guy in my ward who has been one of those awkward we make eye contact at each other every time we are in the same place for more than 30 seconds. Then he stares and I look away and we had a heart to heart not to long ago where he was telling me that he wasn't interested then I told him I wasn't which is apparently the wrong thing to do to a guys ego. But tonight he came up to my roommates and I and said hi super awkwardly then just stood there staring for a second. I just don't get it. Why don't guys ask girls on dates? I just want to go on an honest to goodness date. Braden took me to lunch and called it a date, but it was like a friend date so I don't particularly count it. Boys are frustrating. I want to be pursued and dated and doted on and all that jazz.

Blog blogger blogging blog-a-thon

Day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

The death of my older brother, Casey Joe. I was very young, but I remember each detail with exactness. I know it was so hard on the rest of my family and I spent the better part of my childhood taking care of myself because it left us in such disarray that there was no one to look out for me, Casey had been the one and when he was gone I was devastated. I still am from time to time even though it has been 14 years since he passed away. I notice his absence in my life at prominent points. Everytime I see the northern lights or take a family picture there is a vital part of our family that is missing. He was a fantastic older brother and I look forward with great eagerness for the day when I get to hug him and converse with him once more.

Letters are hard things to wait for

Day 5.
I'm doing this one a day early because I work from 8:30-5:30 tomorrow and then come right home to FHE and who knows how long that will go on.

Day 5: What are 5 things that would make you the most happy right now?

1. A letter from Elder Jensen. It's been quite a long time since he's left and it's hard to know he hasn't written yet. It's hard because I've written quite a few times and I spend my days dreaming of him in hopes he's in Brazil thinking of me too..
2. A rather large hug, one where we hug then sit on the couch and snuggle for a good long while.
3. A pedicure, they do wonders. Especially for my poor burnt feet.
4. Christmas lights throughout the trees in the backyard.
5. If Christie came home

Dear 16 year old self,

Day 4: List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self if you could.

1. Don't go pick Dallin up behind your parents backs then lie about it, they will find out and you will get grounded for two months. Even worse they will take your license.
2. On second thought, do that, because they make you get a job and you meet some of the most wonderful people.
3. Kelsey isn't going to be around forever, let her make you crazy right now.
4. Give Kelsey a rather large hug or two and tell her how much she means to you. You won't get another chance.
5. Allie is the cutest car, go with the mexican blanket seat covers, they are the best and hold in heat in the winter.
6. Pat isn't worth it, don't become friends with him. Pachi is what people call him and he will just repeatedly break your heart and want you to go behind everyones back, it isn't worth it.
7. Kiss Coulson. Just do it, he's a keeper and if you let him get away now it'll never be the same.
8. CW is great and he always will be, talk to him more.
9. Don't go steady with Joe Wolverton, it'll be fun and you'll think you're in love, but you aren't and as soon as you leave for Utah you won't even notice his absence in your life.
10. Say yes when Coulson asks you to prom, don't let him get away with not admitting how he feels about you.

!6 year old self, I have made some mistakes, I haven't always been the best person and I've done a few things I really regret, but that's okay because so far you've turned out just fine.
Date more, it's what you'll remember from high school.

Day 3!

Day 3: Describe your relationship with your parents

My parents are just such wonderful people, I really believe I lucked out as far as that goes. They are just so forgiving and happy and willing to bend backwards to benefit their children. My mother is the most caring, talented, beautiful person that I have had the occasion to meet. She takes care of everyone she comes in contact with, not just her children. She was the mom that was always running to deliver a meal to the newlyweds that had their first baby. She was young womens president then would hurry over to the soccer fields to see my brothers play their games. She hasn't been the healthiest and it pains me that her health is a struggle for her. I wish she didn't have mysterious health problems. Last summer we took a road trip from L.A. to Bear lake, Utah and back. Taking a different route each way. I just appreciate that she took the time to make that trip with me. It was so wonderful that we spent all that time together just the two of us and really got to become the best of friends. If someone were to ask me who my best friend was, I would have to say my Mother. She is the best kind of role model and is human enough to admit funny flaws she and everyone has.
My father is a role model to a whole slew of people. He was the bishop in our ward for many years while I was a teenager. We have the same kind of temperament which makes us want to bite each others heads off every now and then. This not living in the same house has been beneficial to our relationship. We have always loved each other dearly and some of my favorite pictures from growing up are me and him holding each other tight. I have always had a battle of wits with him. I'm just snarky enough that it makes his life entertaining. We don't talk on the phone, but on special occasions, he only keeps really good contact with him brother from a long distance, but I know he loves me and he knows I love him so it's okay that I don't talk to him on the phone every other day like I do with my mother. He's so funny and animated. He is the reason I love oldies and movies like sgt. Bilko. He is my hero and I'm so grateful for how we interact with each other.

As parents they never suffocated me, they raised me to be incredibly independent. Even when I made choices that weren't the best, they let me because it was my choice. I got in far too deep with my high school boyfriend and even though they were watching from the sidelines, I was still in charge and prevented things from going badly myself. I strongly value their opinions, but in the end it is ultimately my decision. 

3 Legitimate fears

Day 2 is describe three legitimate fears I have and explain them.

Number 1:  Fear of Snakes; I don't care if they are poisonous or not, I am not familiar enough with them to know the difference, and frankly, I don't care to become that closely acquainted. I can't even be bothered to look at pictures of them without shuttering. I worry that there will be one in my car when I come back to it to drive home from work or one in the grass underneath the hammock when I lay out in the mid afternoon. I don't know when it started because I've had various snakes around me growing up, but on the road trip my mother and I took over a year ago we pulled off to the side of the freeway and walked around for a second before she said she saw one and got really freaked out. We were both back in the car faster than you can count to 2. 

Number 2: Fear of not being able to overcome things; people always say, "Time heals all wounds" and maybe I just haven't given things enough time yet, but it's been over a year and I haven't barely started to recover. It's just something that worries me quite often.

Number 3: Fear of friend-zones; I have some of the most wonderful male friends that any girl could possibly ask for. I just wonder if that is why I've been single for so long. I've only ever had close male friends, I have had female friends, sure, but mostly males. And I love having male friends, I just wish there was one that decided to branch out and tell me how crazy he is about me. I want that forever love and I feel as long as I'm keeping people like Braden, Coulson and Jon at arms length, I won't really overcome this. I feel so privileged to have gotten to know some of the most wonderful men that this world has to offer, now to progress from that stand point.

Day 3 is next!

Day one, and so it begins

Today marks the first day of a 30-day blog challenge and I sincerely hope you enjoy the random things that come out whilst I struggle to complete this challenge.
Day 1: Write 20 random facts about yourself.

1. I have a collection of collectors spoons from all over the world
2. I am fluent in Movie quotes and Youtube videos
3. My cars name is Rio and he has more character than most people I've ever met
4. I own more umbrellas than I care to admit, all of which are different
5. I have baby finger and toe nails
6. I prefer hand written letters to any other type of communication other than face-to-face
7. Autumn is my absolute favorite time of the year
8. Few things make me as excited as falling snow
9. I prefer older movies
10. I love love love ballroom dancing
11. I make dinner for some friends every Sunday
12. I tend to let my Alaskan side fly more prevalent then necessary
13. I rather enjoy building puzzles and I'm good at it.
14. My idea of a perfect day is one that is spent jumping from puddle to puddle and ending with a large cup of tea sitting in front of the window watching the rain fall as Louis Armstrong plays in the background
15. I hate veils, everything about them, they are long and silly and puffy looking and just get in the way
16. White christmas lights make me feel hopeful and reminisce
17. I could easily fall in love, given someone to pursue me
18. I own a pink beach cruiser bike
19. I want to go to Venice, Italy more than anywhere else in the world
20. My mom is my best friend in the whole world

That's it for the first blog day, I'll continue tomorrow!

Party time come the weekend.

I take the time to pick people up from the airport and drive to Salt Lake on a week night to have dinner and meet a family member for the first time. I picked Alexis up at the airport this evening after having dinner with the Jaco's, The Carlsens, Rebecca, Andrea and Travis' family. It was a lovely evening in the park and I rather enjoyed it. It has just made me think about some of the relationships I've let go sour, and as much as that is a sad fact, I don't want to rekindle them. There is a reason every person has come and gone from my life and grasping at straws to get them back doesn't make any kind of change to me. It would be stressful and just hurt a lot, I don't need to put myself through that today or any day.

I'm excited for the upcoming semester and all it holds in store for us. Alexis is moving in tomorrow, Melissa is moving out (FINALLY!!!!) And things are changing and moving forward, we're getting so many new people in our ward and I so look forward to getting to know each and every one of them. I really appreciate some of the folks we have in our ward now and who knows what this new ward holds in store as far as personalities and temperaments. We could actually become a social ward. How lovely would that be? I love my house and backyard and roomies and garage and kitchen and silly quirks about the friends I've made and the friends I've continued to develop friendships with. It always amazes me how much the lord has in store for me. I had a blessing at the beginning of the summer and in it was said, "You are where you're supposed to be" so I guess that means I've got some things to do around here before I can jet off to Seattle to live in the rain for as long as I can stand. I could die happy there. With the rain in a torrential downpour all around me. That is happiness. Give me a pair of rain boots and an honest to goodness storm. Oh how I wish that happened here. As autumn approaches I get more and more excited with the possibility of all the pictures. Oh it'll be so so fun!
Things are looking up and I've got to continue on this quest of happiness.

Braden and Sunday dinner is synonymous.

There are a few things that just make me smile. Well, that's not true, there is a great multitude of things that bring a twinge of a grin to the corners of my mouth, but a few of those are Braden coming up with names to call Alice while she sleeps on the couch in the corner and the rest of us share pleasant conversation. Anything from "Our Ginger" to "Ariel" It always makes for entertaining and pleasing conversation. I just love that boy and I'm so sad he's going to be gone for an entire semester. It surprises me that I'll miss him so much considering I didn't want him coming back from Russia at the beginning of the summer.

Reminds me of Home

Some things just strike me as being so very perfectly Alaskan, tonight after a baptism I went for a drive and wound up in a canyon that made me feel like I was driving to Glenallen. It was dusky and looked like the middle of the night, Alaska time and as I wound through the canyon I kept smelling campfires and heard the river rushing past, these things remind me of home and sometimes I want to go back so bad it physically hurts. I want to go back to where the boy down the street loved me and made fun of me every chance he got, to where my family was always around even if just for a moment, to coming home to an evening of eating watermelon and watching sgt. Bilko. To Nikki wagging her tail ferociously when anyone came through the front door. I miss knowing that someone is going to be in the house and visits from friends don't need any sort of introduction. I have had a wonderful life and am so incredibly blessed with the place and way my parents chose to raise me. I suppose it's a good thing I long to go back. Life has so much more out there for me, I was just lucky enough to grow up in my favorite place.
I noticed the weather wasn't quite as hot today and I have to say, it made me so incredibly happy. Maybe I'll spend the weekend out of doors relishing in the cooler(ish) weather.

Why don't boys write letters?

Some days I just can't believe how things pile on. I had an early morning meeting with physical therapy aides and the head of the department, Bill Gray. That was strenuous. Then work work work all day long and left the hospital around 5:30 to find a nice giant sticker on my drivers side winder. As I tried to peel it off, most of it didn't come off with it. so then I was mostly spitting mad, and I said good-bye to Dallin on my lunch break because he reports to the MTC tomorrow so that made me quite sad. And Christie left to go to Vegas for awhile today so I didn't even get to say good-bye to her. Then Alice took me out for Fro-Yo. Then we came home to watch a movie at which point Taylor asked if I wanted to go get more Fro-Yo, so I went back out with him and we went on a nice walk which ended in him apologizing for being a jerk when he knew I was infatuated with him. So that was good. And I had a rather difficult conversation with my best friend. And my heart is breaking for him. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do and he's much too good a guy to go around feeling like he isn't. Then a friend asked me to take them to the airport tomorrow morning. I live a full and busy life. I just don't have room for all of the emotions I seem to be able to compress inside my tiny mormon chest. I just need a nice long hug and cry. I wish I could really cry, I would right now.

My life is full and blessed.

Also, I just really want to hear from Coulson. Why can't he write me back? Boys are so dumb and they hurt and I don't know how to handle anything anymore. Why is one boy writing or not writing me having such an impact on my moods?

Brazil is so far away.

I'm the girl that says, "Oh my goodness" and "Oh dear" to exclaim. I build puzzles and make random silly crafts. I dance in the kitchen and write in cursive always. I listen to jazz standards and prefer handwriting letters to any other form of communication. I wear dresses to work and have had essentially the same hair style since I was 5 years old. I write sticky notes to myself even though I've got a phone I can write everything down on. I watch black and white movies prefer to make meals for many. I don't wear necklaces or bracelets. I ride a pink and rusty beach cruiser. The most I know about my car is how to put a new windshield wiper on and fill up the power steering fluid. I don't think I'm particularly funny, smart or beautiful. There's nothing particularly outstanding and different about me, but I deserve to be loved fervently. I deserve to be so incredibly giddy that it drives my friends crazy. I deserve to have an Audrey Hepburn kind of love. I yearn for the constant companionship and to have a little apartment that I share with my eternal companion. These are things I've been taught to desire and I am aware I'm not quite 20, but wouldn't it be wonderful if someday that is exactly what I ended up getting? I'll keep you posted.

I will learn me some Portuguese

Some days me, Alice and Christie all get along very well, today was one of those days. I didn't work again :( so I spent my day doing things I felt necessary. Like showering and doing laundry and laughing with Christie. Then Alice got home and we just sat together, no one really saying much, but before I knew it, dinner time had arrived and Christie made Hawaiian chicken :) It was delectable.
I have been having dizzy spells for a couple months now and I'm really concerned that they aren't getting better or going away, I know, I know, drink more water. Well here's the thing, I drink enough water for two people and I still get dizzy and fatigued more than I care to admit. You know that rush when you stand up from laying for a long time and your eyes go dark and you falter for half a second until you get your footing and your eyes clear? That is what it feels like anytime I move fast. I haven't been playing ultimate frisbee with my roommates because of that very reason. They play at least once a week and I worry that if I stress it that I won't be able to see at all very very soon. It's a silly fear, but a very real one. I am strangely at a lack for words this evening, I shall adjourn to my puzzle to help Christie complete it by tomorrow. Tchau! 

I just don't even know, but this is helping.

I put as many slow mellow and sometimes sad songs on grooveshark before I start typing, that way I know how long I think I'll last in my rants, sometimes it's just a couple songs, sometimes it's many many more. I have had a great day. I slept in till 8:30, then stayed in bed thinking and watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix till Christie came home from work at which point we both went upstairs to eat lunch and plan the rest of our day together. I took a shower at one point and made Texas sheet cake for the first time since I've been moved out, oh it was delightful! Then Christie, Alice, Dan (Our home teacher) and I went out to dinner at Chilis and let me tell you, that burger hit the spot! Oh my goodness it was delicious and a couple of Christies friends joined us to make it a party. Chilis was doing a deal where they would donate 15% of the bill to Tere Parras hospital fund. She's a friend of Marissa's who fell from a tree and is paralyzed. It's something little and fun that I can do, it's why we had a dance and BBQ and 5K run last weekend. Then FHE was super exciting and two people showed up so we just sat and talked and ate the sheet cake I made. Next week I'm determined to be more motivated about FHE. It's my calling in the church and as such I should take it more seriously and not make offhand comments about it and if it's bothersome.
I was chatting with Chris this evening and he asked if I would come give him a hug, sometimes I wish it were that easy. If you could just send someone one of your hugs that would probably be the best invention, I'd send them to Coulson all the time. To Jen and my mom and dad and Bob and Adam, to Kelsey. She wouldn't want them because she always complained about how I only came up to her boobs.. but I never noticed that, I loved her, I missed her when she was gone from me. I hope that someone loves me in my life as much as I loved her. She was my other half, my best friend, the peanut butter to my jelly. And then one day she was just gone. This isn't the kind of gone as in she died. She just decided she was done with Alaska, with me and with anything from her high school life. I was her high school best friend. And she was mine, we made plans to continue our friendship through marriage and I'm just sad she isn't around to see what has become of me. I could really handle having her around. I miss her still. It's been well over a year and the giant 6'5 hole in my heart has only just started mending, I'm wondering if I should try to see how she's doing. Maybe I'll ask her mom. That's usually a safe way. Or maybe I won't and I'll just keep on going like this till I can no longer remember the exact color of her eyes and hair, till I forget the silly fights and talks till 2 am when we had to be up at 4. till I forget all of the notes now sitting in a box in my parents basement that we passed back and forth every day of freshman and most of sophomore year. The silly drawings she taped to my locker. The countless watches I bought her. How many times she spent the night at my house, how many walks we went on. How often we laid in the grass and laughed about things we had no control over.
Memory lane is closed.

Christmas?

It's funny how the holidays affect different people. It is nowhere near the holidays right now, but I'm just stating my little thought. I'm such a winter person I was definitely born in the right place, I'm not sure if that's where I'd like to go back to forever, but Alaska is the most magical place at Christmastime. The snow weighs down every branch, the sun comes out for a few hours in the middle of the day to make the whole world sparkle. There are Christmas lights on every surface possible, there is the people walking around with flushed and happy faces. There are memories of Christmas past. There are phone calls to all your family and loved ones. It is a time of year where everyone says, "Merry Christmas" not just to people you know, but everyone. The cashier at the grocery store smiles and bids you glad tidings and it's like the whole world is smiling. There's the endless amount of baking and sharing goodies with all the friends you've made and kept over the years. The warm happy homes compared to the cold happy marshmallow world. A hot cup of cocoa or cider and a cookie or two is just the thing to put anyone in the right mood. I just don't understand how people could not like this time of year, It is silly how happy it makes me when snow falls. Standing on a cliff watching the snow fall silently till it touches everything around you. There isn't a sound in the world, it's just you, the snow and the wonder of the earth and all it's mysteries. It is definitely my favorite time of year, I love them all, but like any backwards human being summer is my least favorite. Especially here in Utah where it seems to go on forever and ever. Oh dear, it's quite late. I really should be sleeping. I'll work on that soon.
I am a happy person, I have just been under a lot of stress, that is my only problem. I will be more than fine, there won't be an issue for very much longer. And when the weather starts to change I will be back to my normal happy self. No worries.

This is not a date

So in about 5 minutes one of my dearest friends is going to knock on the door and he'll whisk me away to his apartment where we will watch an incredibly silly movie for a couple  hours before heading back to my house to make delicious snicker things and it's going to be more than delightful. But it's not a date. I promise. He's just being nice and coming to pick me up. And stuff. It will be perfectly harmless and regardless of the fact that I used to crinkle on him, I'm no longer infatuated with him. Yup. That's the truth. and I really should go, but my hands are shaking a little bit so there's that. ugh, I don't understand girls who aren't ready when their dates arrive, not that this is a date, because it's not, but really how inconsiderate, I know you're supposed to make the man wait for you and stuff, but that's just rude. I don't get that. I'm ridiculously on time to nearly every thing.
Ugh. I've got to go.

Aurora, CO

I was sitting in a dark, packed theater watching the actress on the screen fall apart and realized there were tears streaming down my face because she was losing it over the kind of pain I experience over the loss of my elder brother on a fairly regular basis.
There was a shooting last night in Aurora, Colorado. That's only about a 5 hour drive from here. Twelve people died and 50 more were injured, and I just don't think it does their lives justice to write out that simple statistic. Those twelve people were around this time last night waiting in line for what they thought was going to be one of the most wonderful movie going experiences they'd ever have. They had no idea that mere hours away was the end of their lives on this earth. Those were somebody's family, people in Aurora are mourning tonight, children that had mothers last night no longer do. Mothers that had children last night are now childless. I just cannot fathom someone taking an innocent human beings life. Everyone has so much to live for, I know I've got more things to do that I care to think about. I want to have children. I want to be married. I want to cook and clean and have my house bursting with love. I just want to stay around long enough for that to happen.
I'm sorry about these rants, they will continue however.

Sunny days

Oh things are looking up. I don't know what it was about today, maybe because someone mentioned missionaries more than once while we were at work and it was sort of a slower day so we had time to chat about Coulson and a few of my other friends who are far from here and serving in the best possible way. DeAnne has a nephew that gets back in August and Dr. Potts' son leaves in the first week of September, the office was buzzing with happy mission thoughts today. I love working in a primarily LDS clinic because I feel like nowhere else could we discuss such things and have them really impact everyone. I would like a letter that I can be such a girl and gush over. I just miss him so dearly, two years is quite a long time, but it'll be fine and fly by. Also, I keep pinning things on pinterest about funny things you can mail at the same price as a stamp, now I've just got to check about the Brazil postage laws.
I was listening to one of the talks on Sunday and Nate said we needed to incorporate our faith into every aspect of our lives. And if we're living what we believe, it will come out naturally. Well, I hope that's what I've been doing here. I really do believe in what I and my church stands for, it makes me so unbelievably happy and I can't imagine feeling most of the happiness I do without this church and all it adds to my life. For one I wouldn't be in Provo, and I wouldn't be coping with the loss of my brother quite as well as I'd like to think I do.
I have this friend who challenges me to always be on my toes, he's delightful and witty and wants to get married more vocally than most men I've had the occasion to meet. He's become a very large part of my life and I wish him luck. He's a good example in every way, shape and form and fits in quite nicely with me and my silly roommates. I've got to get some sleep. Sleep is always good, although, I lost my rings and my tan line is quite pronounced.. haha but that means I'm getting tan!

Acting British.

This day was better than the previous few. I felt like a jerk last evening because Christie was just trying to make me feel better about life, but I was having none of it. I appreciate her efforts and how she's always doing things to make me feel better and lighten my load. She's such a great housewife. It's a little bit of an inside joke, but still, I don't understand why the guys aren't all over that. She's really great.
I got news today of a friend far from here and how he still thinks of me. It warmed my heart. Also, spent the day with my thoughts occupied by things way beyond what I imagined. And it's making me bad at my job, my mind has been so occupied with things far from what I normally mull over that it's driving me nuts and areas where I would normally be just fine, I am far from it. I don't know why it's gotten so bad. I've got to shake this soon or I may be looking for work once more and we all know that's a super fun place to be.. said no one ever.
Christie made me dinner and we watched two movies that are just feel good happy movies, she doesn't realize how much she does for me, but we do have tendencies to act like the same person so I think it's fairly great. I should really get some sleep so I'm on my game tomorrow. Cheerio!

You're my light in the dark

And then the madness continues. I have this thought process, if I was stranded at the airport, I would definitely want someone I knew even if I only knew them slightly to come pick me up and bring me back to my nice warm bed in my house. So whenever someone in my ward asks for that favor from me, I am all too happy to oblige. Which is how I ended up sitting in the Park&Wait at the Salt Lake International airport last night around 11:45. And probably why I'm so cranky today. Also, Sometimes I would just like to get bear hugged and held by someone who makes all the uncertainty and hurt go away. I am incredibly blessed in my life to be alive and to have so many wonderful things and people who at a moments notice would drop everything to be by my side. Maybe I've just got to work on asking them.

Welcome to my plain, average, run of the mill psycho.

Some days I remember how much I love to write and how long it's been since I have. I write letters and journal entries, facebook updates and chicken scratch notes, but there is something peaceful about letting my fingers type until I can't anymore. I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by posting here, but maybe I'll touch someone with my words and help them through something I've got a little bit of experience in. I had a dear friend ask me what it was that made me feel the most in my element, where I was most comfortable. I told him that improvisation on the stage is that place for me. The truth is, I'm not sure where it is that I feel the most comfortable. I feel as though I haven't found that place yet. I am stumbling through this time in my life as I continue to not attend college, wander to different destinations and finding friends I never knew I'd miss the rest of my life. The man who asked me that question is one of those friends. Have you ever met someone and knew instantly they were going to be an impact for good on your life? That is what our meetings were and have been since we met roughly nine months ago. There was something about his ridiculous giggle and the shine in his eyes that led me to believe he is my kind of people. He makes witty comments and does the dishes while asking questions that make me contemplate my life enough to start a blog. From what I have concluded is that I don't know where I'm headed and I just know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life hanging around Provo pretended to attend this school.
Today I donated blood and the man that was helping me asked if I was going to be late for class. When he asked I had about 15 seconds to figure out a response and ended with, "No, I'm done with classes" which isn't an entire falsehood because let's face it, I've been done with classes since I graduated high school, but I just let him think that I was attending Brigham Young University. He then went on to ask me about my major and I lied. I don't regret not going to college, I just wish there was a socially acceptable reason as to why I am not attending. I tried to justify it by talking about my job and what a great job I have. However, people don't understand someone not wanting to attend college.
I'm sorry if none of this makes sense, if it doesn't now, it probably never will.