Laughter.

I have been smiling all day. First in anticipation of my date, then during the date, then after :) 

So here's my deal. He is one of the best people I've ever met and I might just have first date goggles on right now, but I want to always feel this way! He is so amazing and driven and I have rather enjoyed getting to know him a little bit better and I like everything about him. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. And I've laughed enough to last for an entire week. At least. Plus now he knows I want to do it again. During the movie we kept doing the putting hands awkwardly on my leg to wait for him to grab it and he didn't, but when the movie was over he put his arm around me and we talked all during the credits. Then we went for frozen yogurt and talked for awhile. It wasn't a super long date, but oh my goodness it was fun. He was sweet and attentive and I said a few things like I was excited to see it with him. And how great he is. I wish I had more to say, but oh my goodness I'm just happy and it was lovely. 

I texted Dallin afterwards And said "Oh my goodness it was wonderful! Except I sort of hate the "is he going to hold my hand? Oh wait he's reaching! Oh wait no he's not. Can I fold my hands? Is that sending the signal I don't want him to hold my hand? Do I want him to hold my hand? Is it acceptable to hold hands on our first real date? Oh he just wanted a red vine. Oh no wait, he's fidgeting. Is he as nervous as I am. This movie is hard to pay attention to. Oh that part was funny. No wait, his hand is moving again. Is he watching me and not the movie? I hope I look smart. Is it possible to look smart while watching a cartoon?" " that's how I felt haha but mostly I loved it. Also Dallin brought me pizza and watched an episode of psych with Ari while we talked about it. They both approved my post date text and then read his response and got their seal of approval. I love them! I have so much appreciation for Dallin and he's become one of the very best people I've ever known and cares so much for me. 

I love Helen

Helen is one of the doctors I work with, she loves to check up on my life and make sure I am making good decisions in my love life. Today she sent me on an errand to bring treats back to the office, we are the worst as far treats go because none of us wanted anything sugary, black coffee for one, raspberries for another, chips and salsa for yet another haha not necessarily considered "treats" ANYWAY, she like to talk about my life and "live vicariously through you!" so when I was telling her about Connor today she said a few really sweet things and one of my favorites was something along the lines of "oh this boy really likes you, I can't wait for the wedding invitation" one step at a time, Helen, but thanks for being so optimistic. ps. As long as I stay focused on something else I forget the evil that has seeped into my life. Cancer sucks.

Cancer.

Not the astrology sign. Colon. Not in me, in my dear father. Pray for him. Whoever is reading this, please pray for him. I ask with every bit of my soul! I know without a doubt that prayers will get him through this and Heavenly Father hears every prayer uttered in our voices or hearts. 

Enter Dashing Home Teacher

Have I mentioned Connor? He's my home teacher, turns out he kinda thinks I'm great. I kinda think he's great too! So we're going to take our collective greatness on a date on Friday :)

There are some good days

I have been a downer and I'm fully aware of that, but it's not all bad. Saturday night I went over to Dallins to go for a walk and we only made it about a quarter mile before his cousin called out to him and we jumped in his car to go to a dollar movie with a big group of them. It was one of the more spontaneous things I've ever done and we had so much fun! We saw Inside Out and laughed all the way there, during and home afterwards. Plus we got there early so we had plenty of time to chat beforehand. I think Dallins cousin, AJ is hilarious and his girlfriend thought I was hilarious so it all worked out! When we sat down in the theater Dallin was kind of regretting it because he said, "how did we end up here?" in half shock and disbelief voice. I'm so grateful to have him for a friend and such a fun memory to have for as long as I am. Plus Inside Out was a winner, SUCH a good movie.

For a few years in my life I had a friend

His name is Coulson, we aren't friends anymore. We laughed and talked and went out all the time. We talked about things I don't remember and people who have long gone from my life. He had my back always. He was a football player and as sweet as could be. I never doubted his regard for me for a second. He took me to my senior (mo)prom and was easily the best date I've ever had. Being his friend was easy. I think I spent more time with him while I was dating Joe than I actually spent with Joe. And the first place I went after I came home that first Christmas was to his house. On a snow machine of course. I always wanted him to want me and the timing never worked out quite right. When he was about to make a move I got together with Joe. Oh how different my life would be if I had waited just a week. I can't get caught up in that though. That is not my life and Coulson and I haven't been friends for nearly two years now. Oh that's sad. All because his mother got offended because I got my feelings hurt over something he said in a letter he sent home that she put on the blog for all the world to see. I should have just brushed it off, I knew we were friends. I knew that maybe we could be something more, but that's not what I was pining for. I messed up and I think too much time has passed to make it right again, but I have to try. I need more friends in my life. I need my Coulson friend in my life. He lives here. Did you know that? We live in the same stinking city and we never see each other. 

It doesn't matter

It doesn't matter that being in his arms and smelling his smell feels like coming home. It doesn't matter that it's what I wanted and worked for for two years. It doesn't matter that I lost 30 pounds. It doesn't matter that I did everything right. It doesn't matter that he wears nerd glasses and lava lava's. It doesn't matter that I yearn for him. It doesn't matter how he looked at me. It doesn't matter if he wants to come back. It doesn't matter if I never talk to another boy. It doesn't matter that I waited. It doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter how broken I am. It doesn't matter that I still think he'll come back. It doesn't matter that I still want him to. It doesn't matter that no one measures up. It doesn't matter that he doesn't want me. It doesn't matter that every time someone asks about the men in my life I still think of him. It doesn't matter that I might not ever move on from that. It doesn't matter that I live in his town. It doesn't matter. Any of it. It just doesn't matter.

I'm coming home, I'm coming home, tell the world I'm coming home

I hated coming home. I was only gone for 3 and a half days, but oh goodness I hated coming back. I just keep remembering that my life is not how I was hoping it would be and there really isn't much of a reason for me to stay in Provo anymore. I was discussing it with Dallin yesterday and he doesn't want me to go, but I doubt that is ever going anywhere so why would I stay to pursue him if there's nothing that will happen? I don't even think I want anything to happen. oh whatever. What if I moved to Ogden and went to Smith and Edwards every day? That could be a lot of fun! Plus I would be so much closer to my parents. and to Christopher. I'm just done living so far south, closer to them means closer to Oregon and the coast and Washington and the coast. I mean I know it's only about and hour and 45 minutes closer, but come on, that's a lot! I think I'll start house and job hunting in that area. I love my job and I'll be sad to leave it, but there is more to life than working. Plus I could see Aunt Jeanne and Uncle Bob all the time! North means more snow too. I just need to sit down and do a pro/con list, that could be fun! I wonder if they have a rec center there.

Especially when I don't want to, I still do.

The title here displays an interesting point. I know three of the people closest to me in my life struggle with depression. Heck, so do I, but I went to my therapist this week and she said that I am functioning surprisingly high for how far gone I say I am. I don't want to be depressed, no one wants to be depressed, but here I am still the same. But the thing about depression is you don't want to do anything, so one of the things she challenged me to do was to not isolate myself so much and do things with people and give myself a structure on the weekends. Well, the weekend is over and I feel great! Friday I went to a football game with brooke and cheered on Bryan while he cheered on them. Saturday I made breakfast for a lot of people that I love. Watched general conference. Spent time with my sister and went to the worst bridal shower. Sunday I went to Bryan's and made breakfast with him and Courtney and Jacob(Bryan's super cute deaf cousin who has been home from his mission for literally 4 weeks) and Scott, who turned out to be one of the nicer more thoughtful people I've ever met. I watched the morning session of conference with my roommates and some extras, took a walk between sessions then went to Kristi and Mitchell's and met baby Charlotte who I got to hold for a good two and a half hours. She's such a sweet baby and I love her so dearly. We had such a fun time! Then I came home to dinner with my roommates and a cute boy or two then stood and cleaned the kitchen with one of those cute boys and talked for about two hours. And I'm not exhausted. That was a lot of people and not a lot of alone time and I might regret it tomorrow, but for now I feel really good. Work tomorrow is going to be great because Melissa is back and we'll both be so happy to be working. Sad news though, Stacey Bown died in a bike/car accident on Saturday night so the mood in mammography tomorrow is going to be grim. I hope her family finds peace and I will be able to keep a positive attitude.