For the first time

You may have thought judging by the title that I did something new and miraculous for the first time, nope! No such luck. Today for the first time since I've moved to Provo it didn't feel like home. It may be because I spent the last 9 days with my immediate family and we had a blast, but I just know that I need to get out of this town. I told my mom where my thoughts were headed and when I got home I told my roommate what I was thinking as well, we'll see if these people let me get away with getting away. Aunt Cindy would let me live with her in a heartbeat and I'd have a whole new world to explore and enjoy. I was made to wander and travel. It's a good thing that not all who wander are lost. I'm living proof of that. I should really get some sleep. 

Laying by the lights

One of my favorite things to do around the holidays when the blues set in for all those not joining the festivities any given year is to lie under the tree and watch the lights glow. It might sound a bit too Greys Anatomy for some, but I love it! At my house I laid under the tree and sang a few sad songs and let me melancholy reach its full potential. I am happy, I just miss those that aren't able to be around. I would hug them all with such a fierce love they wouldn't be able to help feeling the warmth and happiness I have to have them near. Also, out of Provo for 9 whole days! What if I moved? 

Widowed aunt? Somewhere totally random? London with Annie? Alaska? Lets have an adventure then, shall we? 

Devon

Missing someone is a dreadful way to go through life. I miss the way he bobs his head in for a kiss when he feels like he's gotten away with something and he's winning whatever discussion we're having. The way he held me all the time, it was never too much. When he thought I was being funny the belly laugh that brought joy and warmth to me life and soul. The fact that he couldn't handle the cold, but knew I loved it so he'd still go on walks with me. How I can see myself living in Hawaii. How he kept me in line. He accepted my flaws and loved me for them. He knew I wasn't perfect, but was striving to be good. He wears adorably nerdy glasses and remembers little comments I made from back when we first met. He gets me. I miss him nearly always. 7 months down. Write me soon! 

No happiness in exhaustion

Some days it's nice to be good and tired by the time you return home. Other days are just days. 

Adventures

Sometimes I wish I were at my soon-to-be in-laws for the holidays, spending time getting to know his family and how we're going to work with all of them. Maybe next year. That's what I wished for on my birthday candles, someone to love within the next year. What a grand adventure that would be. Being at my parents house has just made me want a home of my own and to be living somewhere other than Provo. Someday that will be my life. 

A rant of rants

Wouldn't it be nice to have someone dreaming of you? Remember the phrase, "nice guys finish last" I would argue the same could be said for nice girls. I am a nice girl and I tend to reel men in with the notion that they can have me, but somewhere along the way something in my demeanor or actions or intentions changes and they see me forever more as this person they can confide in, joke with and even snuggle with on occasion, but all romantic and twitterpated gleams have gone from their eyes and I am this model of platonic love just placed here for them to feel validated. Despite the fact this happens again and again I seem to not be able to discover what it is about me that make it so I'm not the serious girlfriend/marriage material. I am righteous, a fantastic cook, happy, neat, funny, delightful, see the good in everyone and love God and my family above all else. It doesn't take much to keep me entertained and rarely do I dispute when someone offers a suggestion. I am genuine and enjoy all the simple little things that life has to offer. I think I'm amazing and just want that one man out there who thinks it too. I'm done with wandering this life alone. I'm ready for more. It's on days like these I miss Devon to come tell me it'll all work out and we'll be together in time. 

Dreaming of you

If I could stop dreaming about him maybe I wouldn't be so head over heels. It's the dreams that make me feel like he's mine and we'll be together no matter what. Please please want me like I want you. Never have I wanted anything so bad. 

Stereotypical 9/11 post

Here's the deal, I am not such a big fan when everyone posts things about 9/11 because so much of it feels forced and staged. I don't know anyone that was there or anyone close to me who was harmed in the tragedy. I am well aware that it hurt everyone as Americans we don't want to believe we are vulnerable and can make mistakes, but we did. I was in third grade in Mrs. Marie's class and they sent us home with a purple sheet of paper for our parents to deal with telling us everything that happened. When I got home I asked my mom if something bad had happened and she said yes then showed me the footage of New York City on our computer and I didn't know how to process anything. I was 9 years old. I have been around many tragedies in my life and I can feel for the men, women and children who lost loved ones on this day twelve years ago, but I have this understanding as a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, this life is not all there is and those who fought valiantly will be rewarded in Heaven for their deeds. I ache for those suffering this day. I'm going to go to the temple and be around those who share in my understanding. My cousin is a fireman and I know if we lost him our lives would be severely hurt, so my heart goes out to those families remembering their loss today. My theory on missing a loved one you've lost is time doesn't heal the wound, it just makes you forget more frequently. Every year on Casey's birthday I feel everything all over again. It doesn't go away and I understand that so I am sorry to those suffering, may peace be on your souls.

The Scatter Sunshine Movement

My bishops wife spoke in sacrament meeting today and invited us all the join in this thing she's been challenging herself to do this past year and that is to scatter sunshine. I went up to talk with her after sacrament meeting and told her how much I enjoyed her remarks and want to join in this scatter sunshine movement and she said to me, "Sabrina you are the scatter sunshine movement in this ward" it made my day and helped me to know how much she really loves me and grateful that people are aware of me and my efforts to make others feel at home and welcome in the ward. This is my home and even though most others aren't in my position I'm grateful that I can relate to everyone here on some level. My life is blessed and I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and is cognizant of my struggles and strengths. I love this gospel and want to invite everyone to come unto Christ. I can be a missionary in many ways from right here in Provo, UT without the formal mission call in my hand, we've all been invited to be member missionaries and I am focusing my efforts on that from here on out. 

He's back

Another "turns out" when you don't speak to someone for four months you end up having quite a few things to say. I missed him, I'm glad he's back, I don't feel forlorn and out of touch with reality. I know it's never going to be more and I'm alright with that. He's my dear friend and we missed each other. He challenges me in ways I never knew I could be and at this point he just loves me for the ridiculous person that I am. And I feel the same. 

Turns out

Turns out when you don't write to someone for 6 months on their mission they get really mad at you and you have no idea. So you write to your family and tell them that you have no interest in the girl so stop teasing you about the possibility. Am I that ridiculous that all I will ever be is the best friend. I feel so unbelievably unloved and hurt right now. How can you spend so much time and effort on one person only to turn around and say they mean nothing to you. I am so bugged. What if I decided to stop being a good friend to all the people that use me for various things? Oh wait, then I'd only have two friends, Christie and Ariel. Both of who are gone now. Ariel called me back yesterday because I went to the temple and called her and we had a nice long chat, I miss her so so much. How am I going to survive through these next few months/years? I'm going to Christies mission farewell next month, I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. Why is it okay to expect me to deal with things way beyond my maturity level? My dads dad is dying, uncle bob took him home from the hospital yesterday with a blood clot in his leg that was inoperable so now everyone is kind of on stand-by and with Braden coming home today I can't handle this life. I can't handle all the things I am supposed to be able to handle and I might just shut down. okay, yup, shutting down now.

Done.

And then, I think I moved on. Don't get me wrong, I still would rather not see him, but I think I'll stop thinking and pining for him. Too many tears, too much time, too much love, just too much. It's over and done and maybe he's supposed to remain in my life. But that doesn't have to be decided today. 

Dreaming

If I could stop having dreams about people I have stopped talking to, that'd be great. Mostly Todd, why have I had dreams about looking for him the last two nights? I haven't seen or talked to him in months and months. And Hayden? He's married and the last time I talked to him was before his mission. And don't even get me started about Braden, I would rather not think about him altogether. It would make my life easier if I just forgot about him for awhile. I just wake up from these dreams wanting to talk to these people that I've pretty much severed ties with and it's no good. Why are they being put into my dreams? Why can't I dream about people that I want to see like Justin or Jen or Kristin&Josh? I would  wake up missing them regardless. Dreams are strange things and I wish I could tell these people that my subconscious misses them enough to put them into my thoughts I have when I can't control my thoughts. That's got to mean something, right? Maybe it just means that I need to meet new people and give up men for awhile. They aren't making it better, anything. Life is hard. 

I have a smoky quality

One of my nearest and dearest told me tonight that I have a smoky quality to my voice and I think that's one of the more interesting compliments I've ever relieved. I wish I loved to sing in front of others more and I had the confidence I lack to sing out loud for all to hear. Someday. 

Missions.

My best friend has a mission call that's arriving tomorrow! Miss Morgan Potter is serving in St George, Bri is in San Diego, Megan in Rome! Devon in Fiji, Nathaniel in South Carolina, Cache in South Salt Lake. Coulson in Brazil. Avery in Brazil. Kindia in Russia. Kaci in Chile. It's an exciting time to be a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints :) 

It was time

I spent a year and a half of my life being crazy in love with this boy and now that it's over I'm relieved. I have begun my long haul to move on and am keeping myself so crazy busy that I have no time to reflect on what I've given up, but the wonderful thing is I know something infinitely better is coming along because of my trials. Heavenly Father loves me and takes care of me and looks after me and I should never be worried about what my future has in store. 

This week is crazy! I've been going nonstop for weeks! Friday afternoon started with me busting out of work and heading up the canyon to go camping with Kenzie and Christie. We laughed and sang and burned all the things in the fire and giggled whilst making jokes in our sleeping bags. Then woke up and spent the whole day playing in the pool and eating delicious barbecued things followed by Shakespeare in the park and a movie at Kenzie's apartment and lots of aloe Vera gel for our sun burned bodies! Kurtis got it the worst, poor guy. Sunday found us branching out and inviting marvelous men to dinner who kept us laughing for many hours till dessert night then discovery a friendship that has been in the making our whole lives was bonded in the love of musicals. Monday found me working from dawn till dusk then barbecuing into the late hours of the evening, celebrating a birthday with the most beautiful rendition of "happy birthday" ever to be presented and having a short visit from Jess Ziter from high school. We ended the night with some shameless flirting and Star Trek all sprawled on my couches. Which brings us to today and Kimmis bridal shower, tomorrow and pie night with some highly attractive men, Thursday with Linnea and reception setting up situations, Friday with the wedding of a most beloved cousin then a relief society retreat, Saturday with the second half of the retreat then a date with a most handsome Jonathan Hardy. Sunday will bring those highly attractive gentlemen back to my home and I'll never be in risk of being depressed again. I'm happy and blessed with business. 

I'd rather not

Yesterday I decided to drive for a couple hours around Utah lake, it was beautiful, but not in the way I was hoping for. It was wonderful to be on a road with no other people for the first time in a long time, I yelled and screamed and laughed and sang at the top of my lungs, it's good to let go, freeing somehow. As I was nearly done I received a text from a friend I've been avoiding so I figured it was high time to call him. We chatted for a bit and I fell right back into his charms. It's unfortunate how I have no staying power at all, one conversation and I'm planning our future again. It'll be alright, I'll figure it out. I also found out one of my best friends is in the hospital so we made fun cards with construction paper and crayons writing only with our left hands to take him when we visit him today. I hope he's entertained by how silly they are. It's no fun to be in a hospital, but maybe we can make it a little bit better for him. Poor thing. I also found out yesterday that they're having a Holbrook family reunion in Emmett, ID this weekend and I was just left out of the planning or inviting or anything. It's unfortunate, really that I'm not invited with my own family. I wish that were different. I'll work on that. 

Dumb dreams

I had a dream last night where I was telling Sarah Ezell how I missed Kelsey, but Kelsey was Christie in my dream and Braden came up to confess his love and it was confusing and not so much fun at all. And I just am tired and emotionally exhausted. I can do it, though. I'll be fine, it will all work out.

Missing

Something is missing and I'm mostly sure it's Braden. And Christie. And cold weather. And decent sleep. And my left shoe. And my desire to cook.
Combined these a raise quite the dilemma. I'll deal with them tomorrow, for now I should sleep and empty my mind of things of the world.
I am still missing those things however.

And then Siri

So there is the awesome feature on iPhone 4S that is called Siri, mostly you just ask it ridiculous questions and everything turns out funnier. I bought an iPhone 4S today and that has been happening all afternoon :) it's been a lovely day to be alive. I hope someone out there reads these posts and grins every so often because of how truly laughable my thoughts are. No, but really, I laugh at myself all the time. It keeps me young.

So you all know exactly how pathetic I am

I'm just not through loving him quite yet.
I was chatting with my mother and she asked me about the people in my life and when I mentioned a dumb boy she's heard a lot about she was taken by surprise and asked me why I allowed him to remain in my life and my simple answer was, "I'm just not through loving him quite yet" Which is true. I think we've got more Sunday dinners and more inside jokes, more dates and silly encounters, more laughing and more loving to do together before we're ready to go out on our own.
The thing that really gets me is how I can feel so at peace with him next to my side and when he's gone I just wish for him to be back again, but I know it's not that way for him. Unrequited love. What a terrible thing.

Friday was the birthday of my brother

Today was Casey Joes birthday. He would be 28 if he were still alive on this earth today. It's crazy to think that 15 years have gone by since he got that skateboard for his thirteenth birthday. I still remember that and how it hung over my dads workbench for much of my growing up and adult life. I try to remember things about him and I tell people stories of my childhood from when he was alive and talk about my older brother as if I know him as well today as five year old me did back then. Linnea posted 15 pictures she scanned when she was home of our cute little family back then and in most of them I'm sitting on his lap or he's holding me or touching me in some way. He was the typical big brother and my very best friend in the whole world. Never will I look at a can of pork and beans again without being reminded how much he loved them. Or put barbecue sauce on anything without thinking about how he put it on everything. How he came back that day he was taken from us and told my mom he loved her before re-embarking on his journey to Jeb Snows house. I wish I had more memories and I'm sure in the eternities I'll be able to make many many more, but for now these are the things I remember. And how we all spent time together often. I have a distinct memory of us all pretending to be flying in a hula hoop in the front room of our house. I wish I could remember more and maybe as I think on it harder and longer I'll remember all of the things that made everyone he came in contact with, love him.
I remember everything from the day he died and on the day of his funeral, it's interesting how our lives start out with memories from traumatic events. I don't remember many distinct events from around that time either. Sad to say the ones I do remember aren't very happy. And someday soon I'll write them all down so I can remember my early years and the things we did that left their mark on me and my life.
I'm sorry I'm not a very happy blogger tonight, but blogging just the same.
Happy Birthday, my dearest older brother and best friend, Casey Joe Holbrook. You are dearly missed and thought about often. I'm grateful I got to visit the temple today because I am sure that's what you would have me do. I feel closer to you while I'm there and happier about my life after this because I know I'm making the right choices.
Until next time, I'm yours

Be aggressive! Passive aggressive!

So my best friend, Christie and I have this problem with being passive aggressive when it comes to our roommates. I have had fairly great relationships with most of them in the past and am really making an effort to amend my ways with Alice. I love her and I shouldn't be the way I have been towards her. Anyway, that's why the post is called be aggressive! Passive aggressive because first off it's a line from my favorite movie of the year (perks of being a wallflower) and it's just a really great cheer. Ways that I have used to a negative end can now be put to use being positive as uplifting. With general conference just around the corner(I'm so excited!!!) I know they're going to talk about things that can make our lives uplifted and I'm just getting a head start on it. Besides, I know that Casey would want me to be the best version of myself and I can't be that while still harboring angst towards my friends. It's always a process I suppose.
Today I am happy because it feels like Alaskan summer outside. It's a lovely 68 degrees and the wind is blowing through the house making it just the right temperature. And I think I need to take a nice leisurely bike ride in the heat to make this day the best it could possibly be. What a day off! :)

Blogging from my phone

Did you know that blogger has an app? I had no idea till yesterday and now I've decided it's my favorite thing! I guarantee I'll be blogging more in the coming weeks and months due to this wonderful invention!

Exciting times in the life of Sabrina:
Braden's brother, Travis, is marrying the lovely holly Hightower this weekend and they are both so excited I can hardly stand it! Their children are going to be really really ridiculously good looking :) which they've both affirmed to me at different times. I'm just so excited because I've had their announcement on my fridge for months and learned about it quite a long while before then. It's going to be lovely!
Christopher has decided not to be the most easy to access friend so we haven't had a real conversation in a month. I miss him. And I'm sad he doesn't put forth the effort he used to. It'll all work out.
Casey Joes birthday is on Friday and Christie and I are having a party with the two of us to celebrate! I've been off the last few weeks and I attribute it to that. I miss Casey too.
Happy Monday! My work day is over!
To write again soon!

Pictures from 2012

Chistie Killjoy Wilcos

Alexis and I at our first ever BYU football game!

We carve pumpkins sometimes

A Christmas tree and someone who's been electrocuted

Date with Taylor with the eyes! Divine comedy is my new favorite thing

My twentieth birthday!

My top Dudes and first roommates

We make adorable ornaments sometimes :) Also, these two are my favorites!

I made an ugly Christmas sweater this year :) I'm so proud of it!

SURPRISE!

What I just don't understand is how things come as a shock to everyone. Things that should be explained and understood long before the issue arises, such as cleaning up after yourself. When you reach 18 at the very latest, you should have learned some type of skill like that. Also, it's a total shock that every Monday evening we have Family Home Evening and it's almost as if the group leaders forget what is expected of them each and every week and they agreed to it. As well as getting someone to teach every Sunday in church, Each week someone needs to be in charge of teaching, why not plan it out at the beginning of the month and then not worry about it again. Then you give everyone ample notice and everyone is much happier with you. And amazingly enough if you don't do your own dishes, or put your leftovers away or clean the crumbs away, IT ISN'T MAGIC! IF YOU DON'T CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF IT SHOULDN'T GET DONE. It's my fault I'm an enabler. I hate a dirty kitchen and so I just walk around after the roommates and clean the things they leave for days, literally, days. This isn't helping my irritation. When you put your dishes in the sink with food caked on them with leftovers and napkins still in them, don't be upset when I don't do them. I am not your mother and refuse to pick up after you anymore. You're going to have to grow up eventually and what better time than right now, today? It would certainly make my life better.

I'm sorry I'm angry today. I'm working through it, kinda.