What a difference 4 months makes

Today some of our very dear friends got married and I was uninvited. I’m unreasonably sad about it and I understand that they were wanting to keep numbers down due to the virus, but I wanted to be there. I haven’t missed anyone’s wedding in our little group and I’m so so sad. I was vacuuming the living room tonight and thought about being petty and uninviting his new wife to our next gathering. It was a fun thought for a second, but I don’t really want to do that. I just wanted to be with people I love on a day that was so so important to them. Thank heavens for Tommys wedding in a couple months. He would never uninvite me. I’m family. 

Also, the last time I posted was right at the beginning of the pandemic, now it’s appearing as though it’s never going away so that’s fun. I mean, someday we’ll look back on this time and how uniquely bizarre it is, but definitely not with fondness. No one can win and it’s exhausting. I’ve been trying to dramatically cut back from social media and focus my efforts on my pen pals since they are fun and bring me joy, but no one can win. You have an opinion? You want to stand for something you think is totally reasonable? Get ready to get crushed by the angry masses. There is just so much anger. And all the things people look forward to for months (July 4th in Provo for me) are getting canceled, the Alaska state fair, the freedom festival, schools, life? 

Some days we do okay, some days we don’t. I’m hormonal and today I don’t. 

(Temporary Backup) So this is 2020

I have had a lot of thoughts swirling around and the biggest one just happens to be “how much more can I take?” We started this year with focusing on getting Connor the help he needs for his mental health. He has seriously digressed and at the rate he was at was not going to have the will to go on till the end of his program. I would like to get him to stop his program, he would like to push through. We are working through this together with the help of various medications, a psychiatrist, a therapist and lots of helping each other. 

Next, I went back to work at the end of January and on my first day back got the crummy news that I was demoted, lost my title and took a pay cut. Why do I still work there again? Oh yeah, I love it. Intermountain doesn’t care for their employees no matter what kind of garbage they try to sell to you. I’m still trying to figure out how I fit in the clinic and I don’t even think my boss has told everyone what my position is because frankly I don’t think she knows either. So that adds a healthy level of stress to our plate. 

Additionally we have a 4 month old who brings so much joy to our lives and really keeps me going with all the smiles and unconditional love, on the other hand, being a full time caregiver for someone who can’t sit up on their own is tiring at times. 

I hate that this is on the list, but it is and there’s nothing to be done about it. A family member said some very hurtful things about me and when confronted about it, tried to talk their way out of it. I’ve been mulling over how to respond and so far come up with nothing that would adequately express my feelings without coming back to bite me in some future day. That is not a bridge I would wish to burn and not something I would like to be worrying about on top of everything else. 

On top of all the rest (because of the immense amounts of stress his body has been dealing with) Connor and I went to the emergency room on Tuesday around 2 am to find out he has gall stones and will need surgery probably soon (he had a second attack tonight so chances are sooner rather than later) and that already felt like more than I knew what to do with, but let’s just put the icing on the cake and mention THERE IS A GLOBAL PANDEMIC HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. We might have enough toilet paper and we might have enough food and supplies (except for baby formula, good job mom) and I might not have to go to work for a couple weeks depending on how awful it gets around here, but I’m just sitting here thinking, how do we come back from this? My food storage is meager because of our limited space, but I’d like to think we have done okay with what we have. My house is cozy and would not be too bad to camp out in for a couple of weeks. All will be well once we make it through this, but will we ever have toilet paper stocked in stores again? Will this force everyone to heed the prophets council to have food storage? Will we freely travel again like we did before? What I would really like to do is pack up my car and my baby and go stay with my parents for awhile. They always make me feel better and I just need some good hugs and some rest. So back to my question “how much more can I take?” Heavenly Father is seeing me through this and whatever happens, we will be alright. Whether that means in this life or the next or in quarantine or in Idaho, we will be alright. Go hug your loved ones and send up a prayer or two for the human race