A rant of rants

Wouldn't it be nice to have someone dreaming of you? Remember the phrase, "nice guys finish last" I would argue the same could be said for nice girls. I am a nice girl and I tend to reel men in with the notion that they can have me, but somewhere along the way something in my demeanor or actions or intentions changes and they see me forever more as this person they can confide in, joke with and even snuggle with on occasion, but all romantic and twitterpated gleams have gone from their eyes and I am this model of platonic love just placed here for them to feel validated. Despite the fact this happens again and again I seem to not be able to discover what it is about me that make it so I'm not the serious girlfriend/marriage material. I am righteous, a fantastic cook, happy, neat, funny, delightful, see the good in everyone and love God and my family above all else. It doesn't take much to keep me entertained and rarely do I dispute when someone offers a suggestion. I am genuine and enjoy all the simple little things that life has to offer. I think I'm amazing and just want that one man out there who thinks it too. I'm done with wandering this life alone. I'm ready for more. It's on days like these I miss Devon to come tell me it'll all work out and we'll be together in time. 

Dreaming of you

If I could stop dreaming about him maybe I wouldn't be so head over heels. It's the dreams that make me feel like he's mine and we'll be together no matter what. Please please want me like I want you. Never have I wanted anything so bad. 

Stereotypical 9/11 post

Here's the deal, I am not such a big fan when everyone posts things about 9/11 because so much of it feels forced and staged. I don't know anyone that was there or anyone close to me who was harmed in the tragedy. I am well aware that it hurt everyone as Americans we don't want to believe we are vulnerable and can make mistakes, but we did. I was in third grade in Mrs. Marie's class and they sent us home with a purple sheet of paper for our parents to deal with telling us everything that happened. When I got home I asked my mom if something bad had happened and she said yes then showed me the footage of New York City on our computer and I didn't know how to process anything. I was 9 years old. I have been around many tragedies in my life and I can feel for the men, women and children who lost loved ones on this day twelve years ago, but I have this understanding as a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, this life is not all there is and those who fought valiantly will be rewarded in Heaven for their deeds. I ache for those suffering this day. I'm going to go to the temple and be around those who share in my understanding. My cousin is a fireman and I know if we lost him our lives would be severely hurt, so my heart goes out to those families remembering their loss today. My theory on missing a loved one you've lost is time doesn't heal the wound, it just makes you forget more frequently. Every year on Casey's birthday I feel everything all over again. It doesn't go away and I understand that so I am sorry to those suffering, may peace be on your souls.

The Scatter Sunshine Movement

My bishops wife spoke in sacrament meeting today and invited us all the join in this thing she's been challenging herself to do this past year and that is to scatter sunshine. I went up to talk with her after sacrament meeting and told her how much I enjoyed her remarks and want to join in this scatter sunshine movement and she said to me, "Sabrina you are the scatter sunshine movement in this ward" it made my day and helped me to know how much she really loves me and grateful that people are aware of me and my efforts to make others feel at home and welcome in the ward. This is my home and even though most others aren't in my position I'm grateful that I can relate to everyone here on some level. My life is blessed and I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and is cognizant of my struggles and strengths. I love this gospel and want to invite everyone to come unto Christ. I can be a missionary in many ways from right here in Provo, UT without the formal mission call in my hand, we've all been invited to be member missionaries and I am focusing my efforts on that from here on out. 

He's back

Another "turns out" when you don't speak to someone for four months you end up having quite a few things to say. I missed him, I'm glad he's back, I don't feel forlorn and out of touch with reality. I know it's never going to be more and I'm alright with that. He's my dear friend and we missed each other. He challenges me in ways I never knew I could be and at this point he just loves me for the ridiculous person that I am. And I feel the same. 

Turns out

Turns out when you don't write to someone for 6 months on their mission they get really mad at you and you have no idea. So you write to your family and tell them that you have no interest in the girl so stop teasing you about the possibility. Am I that ridiculous that all I will ever be is the best friend. I feel so unbelievably unloved and hurt right now. How can you spend so much time and effort on one person only to turn around and say they mean nothing to you. I am so bugged. What if I decided to stop being a good friend to all the people that use me for various things? Oh wait, then I'd only have two friends, Christie and Ariel. Both of who are gone now. Ariel called me back yesterday because I went to the temple and called her and we had a nice long chat, I miss her so so much. How am I going to survive through these next few months/years? I'm going to Christies mission farewell next month, I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. Why is it okay to expect me to deal with things way beyond my maturity level? My dads dad is dying, uncle bob took him home from the hospital yesterday with a blood clot in his leg that was inoperable so now everyone is kind of on stand-by and with Braden coming home today I can't handle this life. I can't handle all the things I am supposed to be able to handle and I might just shut down. okay, yup, shutting down now.

Done.

And then, I think I moved on. Don't get me wrong, I still would rather not see him, but I think I'll stop thinking and pining for him. Too many tears, too much time, too much love, just too much. It's over and done and maybe he's supposed to remain in my life. But that doesn't have to be decided today.