I'm becoming one of those people

I am a gym rat and I love it! And I posted a status update about it on Facebook yesterday.. And 102 people have 'liked' it. It's been so marvelous! I feel a lot better in nearly every way and it helps me connect with the silence that otherwise I don't achieve. Im not addicted, but I do see the value in it! This weekend is general conference and I have a grand plan to watch the Sunday sessions alone in my room. With my by myself. It'll be grand and relaxing. I love listening to the prophets voice. I feel prepared and happy. I think it's so important that I have learned to be happy on my own independent of Devon, it'll make it easier on our relationship and our combined happiness I'm sure. 

Morning workout

I know this is definitely not the most flattering picture of me and you can't see the sweat running down my face, but I feel so confident right now! I can't imagine where I was a year ago or even six months ago, I've come so far and I know you can too! I'm down a few pounds, I walk taller, I try things with my hair, I have more energy, I eat right, it sucks sometimes when all I want is a candy bar or a bite of that really delicious thing that Christie made, because holy cow she makes delicious things, but it is not worth giving up almost two years worth of work. And imagine this! I haven't been depressed in a long while, I'm sure it'll always be a struggle, but for now I feel pretty fantastic! This morning I woke up on my own around 4:30 and tried my best to go back to sleep, yet around 5:00 I realized that wasn't going to happen so I got up and made it worthwhile, I was going to be awake anyway! What works for me is talking myself through it. I can talk myself into or out of anything if I just think it through. Find what works for you and run with it! Literally! Soapbox done :)

Because I can't reply to you, this is what I would say

Hi, I want to support you and your mission president so I will. Begrudgingly and grumbling the entire way. I know that's not what you want to hear which is why I'm blogging this and not emailing you. I understand you and him want you to focus solely on your mission for the next two months. (Two months, ack!) and I understand where the guidance is coming from because try as I might I have not been the least distracting person in the world. I have this constant struggle between wanting to support you as a missionary and making all my comments uplifting and gospel related and the other half of me wants you to know about my relatives that have died while you were gone and how it's cut me to my core. And about Adam going through such a rough time. And my parents going broke and being  broken from coping with Adam. And Christie and all the hardship that has been for her. And just my general sense of wanting you in my life, all aspects. And yet, here I am writing to the void because you've said you're just writing to family till you come home. Well, Devon, I'll still be here, i want to be yours forever and if that means waiting two months till I can talk to you again then that is what I'll do. In two months I hope against hope that you're willing to give us another shot and I can be the person you're looking for. Until then, I'll miss you. So sincerely. I'm sure it'll be worth it, be strong. I love you. 

Yours, 

Sabrina. 

I need a hobby

What is something that can keep your mind occupied so you don't spend every waking moment (and the sleeping ones too) thinking about a boy and a wedding and a marriage that hasn't happened yet? Help! I'm going bonkers with anticipation. 

They're broke.

My parents are broke. And it's not okay, and they're struggling and it is like taking stabs to my chest to see them suffering. They are happy people still, but when my mom starts talking about the bank might take her sewing machine, thanks when I lost it. She's sending me a thousand dollars because that is what she could scrape together for my wedding. With the understanding that if things don't work out the way I'd like them to I'll give it back and she'll pay some bills. I don't know how we got here, but I want to go back and make it stop. I don't know what to do, I don't think I can help them. Maybe the help I can be is continuing to set aside money for my wedding. That's what I'll do. Oh goodness maybe I shouldn't be planning a vacation right now, but it's too late the ticket is paid and I'm so excited I can hardly stand it! People get married when they're broke all the time, especially in Utah. It'll be great! I'm so worried. 

Who does things like that

It is amazing to me the difference one person has been able to make in my life. And I don't even know who it was! Coming home after praying for a random act of kindness to find this hoodie that I've been wanting laying neatly on my bed. Of course being the emotional girl that I am I promptly burst into tears, and sobbed for a moment, composed myself then put it on. I am happy to saw a large hoodie is officially too big for me! But oh my word it is comfy! Every day I am learning to be more pleased with my appearance and to love the appearance of others more. Everyone is beautiful in their own ways and wearing this hoodie is doing a fantastic job of making me feel beatiful and loved tonight! I love life! 

Thinking out Loud

Maybe we found love right where we are. Maybe we did. Who is to say it isn't the kind of love that lasts for eternity. I miss Devon so much today it physically hurts to be away from him. My bishop described love as that and where I don't believe that it is a constant thing you yearn to be close to those you love and I love Devon and want him to know that. Three months will fly by. My friend Nate came home from serving and honorable mission in Georgia. I was contemplating the elation I feel at a friend who has never been one of my particularly close friends coming home and how exponential that will be when Devon returns. Three short months, that's all it is. Then nothing will be able to stop me from seeing him. My work has gotten more stressful and the amount of duties I have taken on or have been thrust on me rather are becoming too many to count. Which is why I'm sitting here right now writing to you from my desk at work. My brain has shut off and all that is left is Devon. I hope that somewhere on the other side of the world there is a man very much immersed in missionary work who doesn't have time to think about me, but his subconscious remembers perfectly. I hope I steep into his dreams and give him something to look forward to. Till then, I'll keep looking forward to my trip to Alaska and the weight loss that has taken over my life (and I really really really love it) and my friendships around these parts. We have to set goals for work and I think I want mine to be to not be stressed. Marshal would never go for that, but it is something that I think is something to shoot for. So often I leave this place completely overwhelmed so much so that it takes a good hour or so to make me not feel like kicking people in the teeth. And if I don't answer my phone, it is NOT personal, some days I can't handle talking to one more person. I need to work on all these things.