He's back

Another "turns out" when you don't speak to someone for four months you end up having quite a few things to say. I missed him, I'm glad he's back, I don't feel forlorn and out of touch with reality. I know it's never going to be more and I'm alright with that. He's my dear friend and we missed each other. He challenges me in ways I never knew I could be and at this point he just loves me for the ridiculous person that I am. And I feel the same. 

Turns out

Turns out when you don't write to someone for 6 months on their mission they get really mad at you and you have no idea. So you write to your family and tell them that you have no interest in the girl so stop teasing you about the possibility. Am I that ridiculous that all I will ever be is the best friend. I feel so unbelievably unloved and hurt right now. How can you spend so much time and effort on one person only to turn around and say they mean nothing to you. I am so bugged. What if I decided to stop being a good friend to all the people that use me for various things? Oh wait, then I'd only have two friends, Christie and Ariel. Both of who are gone now. Ariel called me back yesterday because I went to the temple and called her and we had a nice long chat, I miss her so so much. How am I going to survive through these next few months/years? I'm going to Christies mission farewell next month, I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. Why is it okay to expect me to deal with things way beyond my maturity level? My dads dad is dying, uncle bob took him home from the hospital yesterday with a blood clot in his leg that was inoperable so now everyone is kind of on stand-by and with Braden coming home today I can't handle this life. I can't handle all the things I am supposed to be able to handle and I might just shut down. okay, yup, shutting down now.

Done.

And then, I think I moved on. Don't get me wrong, I still would rather not see him, but I think I'll stop thinking and pining for him. Too many tears, too much time, too much love, just too much. It's over and done and maybe he's supposed to remain in my life. But that doesn't have to be decided today. 

Dreaming

If I could stop having dreams about people I have stopped talking to, that'd be great. Mostly Todd, why have I had dreams about looking for him the last two nights? I haven't seen or talked to him in months and months. And Hayden? He's married and the last time I talked to him was before his mission. And don't even get me started about Braden, I would rather not think about him altogether. It would make my life easier if I just forgot about him for awhile. I just wake up from these dreams wanting to talk to these people that I've pretty much severed ties with and it's no good. Why are they being put into my dreams? Why can't I dream about people that I want to see like Justin or Jen or Kristin&Josh? I would  wake up missing them regardless. Dreams are strange things and I wish I could tell these people that my subconscious misses them enough to put them into my thoughts I have when I can't control my thoughts. That's got to mean something, right? Maybe it just means that I need to meet new people and give up men for awhile. They aren't making it better, anything. Life is hard. 

I have a smoky quality

One of my nearest and dearest told me tonight that I have a smoky quality to my voice and I think that's one of the more interesting compliments I've ever relieved. I wish I loved to sing in front of others more and I had the confidence I lack to sing out loud for all to hear. Someday. 

Missions.

My best friend has a mission call that's arriving tomorrow! Miss Morgan Potter is serving in St George, Bri is in San Diego, Megan in Rome! Devon in Fiji, Nathaniel in South Carolina, Cache in South Salt Lake. Coulson in Brazil. Avery in Brazil. Kindia in Russia. Kaci in Chile. It's an exciting time to be a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints :) 

It was time

I spent a year and a half of my life being crazy in love with this boy and now that it's over I'm relieved. I have begun my long haul to move on and am keeping myself so crazy busy that I have no time to reflect on what I've given up, but the wonderful thing is I know something infinitely better is coming along because of my trials. Heavenly Father loves me and takes care of me and looks after me and I should never be worried about what my future has in store. 

This week is crazy! I've been going nonstop for weeks! Friday afternoon started with me busting out of work and heading up the canyon to go camping with Kenzie and Christie. We laughed and sang and burned all the things in the fire and giggled whilst making jokes in our sleeping bags. Then woke up and spent the whole day playing in the pool and eating delicious barbecued things followed by Shakespeare in the park and a movie at Kenzie's apartment and lots of aloe Vera gel for our sun burned bodies! Kurtis got it the worst, poor guy. Sunday found us branching out and inviting marvelous men to dinner who kept us laughing for many hours till dessert night then discovery a friendship that has been in the making our whole lives was bonded in the love of musicals. Monday found me working from dawn till dusk then barbecuing into the late hours of the evening, celebrating a birthday with the most beautiful rendition of "happy birthday" ever to be presented and having a short visit from Jess Ziter from high school. We ended the night with some shameless flirting and Star Trek all sprawled on my couches. Which brings us to today and Kimmis bridal shower, tomorrow and pie night with some highly attractive men, Thursday with Linnea and reception setting up situations, Friday with the wedding of a most beloved cousin then a relief society retreat, Saturday with the second half of the retreat then a date with a most handsome Jonathan Hardy. Sunday will bring those highly attractive gentlemen back to my home and I'll never be in risk of being depressed again. I'm happy and blessed with business.