The mistake you made

The mistake you made was assuming I wanted to be just like everyone else. I am extraordinary. I'm not making these changes to fit in, I'm making them to stand out. I am different. I am strong. I can do hard things. I can bring vastly different scads of people together and make them feel unified. I am not stick skinny, but some day I will be because I will persevere. And it's not so I can fit in with these Utah girls, I don't care one whit about these Utah girls. Everyone fights their own battles and comparing myself to others won't make me happy, comparing who I am today to who I was yesterday will if I am persistent and really focus on my goals. Goals are amazing things, this year I have crushed them. I have held myself to a higher standard and as such have seen amazing results. I don't know why I'm thinking of something Max said to me once about me "catching up to the Utah girls" because I wanted to say "what the HHH is that supposed to mean?" "Why does it matter?" "Why would I try to be untrue to who I am?" So it's sticking with me today, but someday it won't and I'll get better and be more understanding. The battle is not over, life goes on.  

Remember the boy and girl?

Girl prays because she feels oh so alone, girl runs into boy at the most interesting place where she wouldn't have been unless everything had gone perfectly by accident, and it did. Boy runs to girl and they embrace for a solid 2 minutes in the middle of the street. Girl is surprised how much she doesn't want to let go. Boy talks girl into taking a walk. Boy and girl flirt and touch and play and talk and laugh and dance and sing. Girl worries. Boy worries. Boy and girl make a couple feel suuuuuuuper uncomfortable by pretending to make out on a dark street corner. Boy tries to kiss girl. Girl was having none of that. Girl urged boy to call her. Girl couldn't resist and kissed boy on the cheek in parting. Girl won't sleep tonight. 

What do I do? 

I know a bad idea when I see it

Bad idea: romanticizing your ex to a point where you consider it may be worth it to call them, but that relationship had its day and it has passed and that's okay! It's more than okay even! You may not get kissed all the time, but you're also not constantly belittled or made to feel like you're unwarranted. It's a good thing it's over. Now I just have to keep my thoughts from drifting to those wonderfully free moments of happiness and giddy twitterpation. I have a hard time with dreams occasionally. Get out of my dreams! 

Ever have one of those days?

I've been so grateful recently that MFM where I work has kind of simmered down and the amount of days I go home wanting to curse and cry have severely depleted, today was not one of the good days. Bad news, I hung up on someone today, good news, I ONLY hung up on one person today. Bad news, I slammed the phone three times, Good news, I ONLY slammed the phone three times. Bad news, I wanted to strangle at least 5 people, Good news, I ONLY wanted to strangle just five people (nevermind that one of them is my boss) Bad news, Everyone else got done with patients and was out of there by 3:30, here it is 4:41 and I still have at least half an hour of work left to do... and here I am writing this blog instead of getting it done because I'm so overwhelmed, oh and I forgot about faxes, make that an hour of work left. Great.

Yup, Nope, I still hate things.

This week has been so packed with work and friends and family and loved ones. Yet one bad dream makes me more aggravated than all those encounters made me happy. In a few short weeks I'll be in California and standing on the coast looking out over the ocean. I'm weepy again today. I talked to Bryan last night about all the sadness and he said he was there to support me, but I just want to run away. I can do that, right? I can run until I can't anymore. I'll probably make it to the end of the block before I give up.

"Isn't life blessed?"

Surprise! The saga continues. Girls "moves on" Boy pines over girl, Boy can't take it after two months of not talking, Boy texts girl, Girl responds, Boy made girls day, Boy and girl text back and forth for three hours consecutively, Boy says he missed Girl, Girl says she missed Boy, Girl wakes up the next day feeling sad and untrusting and depressed and confused and dragging. Boy said some things that were so inspiring and happy and Girl just wants to trust him and talk to him and be in his life again, Girl also doesn't know how to do that.

I hate this stupid thing.