(Temporary Backup) So this is 2020

I have had a lot of thoughts swirling around and the biggest one just happens to be “how much more can I take?” We started this year with focusing on getting Connor the help he needs for his mental health. He has seriously digressed and at the rate he was at was not going to have the will to go on till the end of his program. I would like to get him to stop his program, he would like to push through. We are working through this together with the help of various medications, a psychiatrist, a therapist and lots of helping each other. 

Next, I went back to work at the end of January and on my first day back got the crummy news that I was demoted, lost my title and took a pay cut. Why do I still work there again? Oh yeah, I love it. Intermountain doesn’t care for their employees no matter what kind of garbage they try to sell to you. I’m still trying to figure out how I fit in the clinic and I don’t even think my boss has told everyone what my position is because frankly I don’t think she knows either. So that adds a healthy level of stress to our plate. 

Additionally we have a 4 month old who brings so much joy to our lives and really keeps me going with all the smiles and unconditional love, on the other hand, being a full time caregiver for someone who can’t sit up on their own is tiring at times. 

I hate that this is on the list, but it is and there’s nothing to be done about it. A family member said some very hurtful things about me and when confronted about it, tried to talk their way out of it. I’ve been mulling over how to respond and so far come up with nothing that would adequately express my feelings without coming back to bite me in some future day. That is not a bridge I would wish to burn and not something I would like to be worrying about on top of everything else. 

On top of all the rest (because of the immense amounts of stress his body has been dealing with) Connor and I went to the emergency room on Tuesday around 2 am to find out he has gall stones and will need surgery probably soon (he had a second attack tonight so chances are sooner rather than later) and that already felt like more than I knew what to do with, but let’s just put the icing on the cake and mention THERE IS A GLOBAL PANDEMIC HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. We might have enough toilet paper and we might have enough food and supplies (except for baby formula, good job mom) and I might not have to go to work for a couple weeks depending on how awful it gets around here, but I’m just sitting here thinking, how do we come back from this? My food storage is meager because of our limited space, but I’d like to think we have done okay with what we have. My house is cozy and would not be too bad to camp out in for a couple of weeks. All will be well once we make it through this, but will we ever have toilet paper stocked in stores again? Will this force everyone to heed the prophets council to have food storage? Will we freely travel again like we did before? What I would really like to do is pack up my car and my baby and go stay with my parents for awhile. They always make me feel better and I just need some good hugs and some rest. So back to my question “how much more can I take?” Heavenly Father is seeing me through this and whatever happens, we will be alright. Whether that means in this life or the next or in quarantine or in Idaho, we will be alright. Go hug your loved ones and send up a prayer or two for the human race 

My face is fuller

I’m in pain again, this baby growing business is no joke and people keep telling me to just wait till the third trimester when things get really ugly and I gotta day, I’m not looking forward to that because now is already crummy enough. But those weekly ultrasound appointments keep me going and baby girl is so adorable, even as a black and white wiggly blob. I’m so looking forward to snuggling her, I can tangibly feel it and my arms ache for it. It’s amazing going through all these things that I’ve heard about and now get to experience firsthand. I hope sleep helps the hips that are giving me trouble today and clears the angst of the day away. 

Remember me?

I’m feeling pretty disconnected from people. I’m in my own little bubble of secrets and sickness and this stupid medication I’ve been taking since January that’s supposed to make me better just feels like it’s making me worse. I went to therapy today which was great, but I’m so emotionally drained from airing out all my baggage. Connor is nearing the end of the semester and he’s just as worn out and tired as I am only he’s not taking nasty meds. There are so many things to be grateful for and I’m so happy I have access to a therapist I love and medications that make my body healthier. I look forward to the day when my body is perfected in Christ and I don’t have to worry about overdoing it one day because I’ll have the energy I need. I’ll be able to run without my knees feeling like they’re broken! I don’t feel like I have chronic pain and I’m so sorry for people that do, but my little body has a lot going on and I’m just tired and sad. 

Call me the sugar rush champ

1. I made a surprise cake for Connor for our anniversary, since all the hubbub starts tomorrow, it seemed like a good opportunity. 

2. Mycah and I got so slap happy during work today and it was amazing! 

3. I got Mycah a flower and peachie ohs for her anniversary since it’s next week and she hugged me!! That’s a first, in case anyone was wondering. And she repaid me by getting me chick fil a for lunch because she’s swell. 

Ps. Haley and Spencer had their baby 😍😍

Happee birthdae harry

1. Tommy had a Harry Potter party last night, it was so fun! 

2. I worked in the yard for awhile after getting home and it’s always so satisfying to work with my hands 

3. We watched the last few minutes of a movie we started a couple days ago and thoroughly enjoyed it. 

Timptamptomp

On Saturday Connor took me to timpanogos caves and we did a cave tour which was so awesome! I don’t think I’ve ever been in a cave before. I’m grateful for the experience and there goes one thing off our “before we leave Utah” list. There’s all these things that people around here do all the time and we don’t want to leave having never done some of them. Stay tuned for more of those :) 

1. Connor surprised me with the tickets to the cave tour! 

2. We had Michael and Christy over for dinner on Sunday night and laughed a lot! 

3. Christy and I won all three games of king of Tokyo and they really enjoyed the game! 

Bro, do you even pioneer?

1. We had a potluck at work today and it was delicious! 

2. Connor had to work from home today so he was much more accessible to me and it was great! Man I love him. 

3. I went to see the new mama Mia movie by myself and it was great fun! I thoroughly enjoyed it and I didn’t think I would since I wasn’t as crazy about the first one.