Nothing new

I have nothing new to say. The pain of missing Devon has come on strong since tomorrow marks a month since I've received and email from him. People have asked about him and it just makes me sad. I wish I knew the exact day he's coming home. Or if he's thinking of me on the other side of the world. Or what our lives are going to be like with each other when he returns. Or if he will still think I'm pretty. I wonder sometimes if I still think that. Or if he'll be proud of me. Or if I'll be confident enough to show him the person I've become. 

These are the things that occupy my thoughts and keep me up at night. The pain of being away from him is still fresh, is still real and still very much a part of my day to day. I have a sign on my wall that says "you are stronger than your cravings" and just now looking at it has made me realize that my cravings are much more than just food. I crave sitting on the couch all the time and watching movie after movie. I crave Devon and being in his arms and hearing his laugh and trying to remember what his voice sounds like and how we're going to be. I crave memories and safe happy places. I crave Alaska. I crave Seattle. I crave dancing under the night sky and twinkle lights with the man I love. I crave Christie, she is my other half and I have been so blessed with her in my life. I crave wide open spaces and fresh air. I crave cold weather and rain. I crave life. I crave my family, sometimes I miss them so much it hurts. I crave friends and loved ones. I crave time and energy. 

Life is a funny thing. Someday looking back on all of this I'll wonder how I ever felt like this was my only outlet. I hope I am happy with the person I've become ad I can be happy with the person Devon is as well. I hope he loves me, pray for us. 

Wisdom, party of one

On Wednesday morning I had one of my wisdom teeth extracted because it was already coming in and my mouth was in a lot of pain. So I figured finish the pain right now and just get it out of there! Little did I know the meds from having it taken out would make me a zombie for two days. Here is it almost midnight and I'm supposed to get up for work in 6 hours and I don't know where the sleep is that was here so heavily just a few short hours ago. Oh and my mouth hurts and I can't take the good meds because I have to drive myself to work in the morning and I can't do that with the drugs. Thankfully it's Friday so one day of work won't be too terrible before I get to sleep some more. Through all this I'm so very grateful for the many wonderful people I have in my life. First, Christie, she bought me jello, drove me to and from the appointment, picked up my prescription and been available for whatever I needed. Second, Bri! She bought me sugar free jello and applesauce so I wouldn't be messing up my goals with this shin dig and checked on me regularly. Third, Taryn, she took me to the store and brought me things when I couldn't stand. Fourth, Makaelee, she bought me mashed potatoes! Warm food! Hooray!! Fifth, Lexi! She kept me company for awhile and just generally likes to talk. Sixth and certainly the most important; Mycah and Jami! They covered me at work and made me feel like I could take these days to relax and feel better and would let me have tomorrow if I needed it too. I think that's it, but how great are all those people?! I feel very loved and taken care of. I'm excited to be able to go to work tomorrow and get back into the swing of things. 

P.S. I miss Devon, six weeks is going to fly by! 

Games are good

I like to play this game where when I look at a picture from high school I count all the married people in it. It gets pretty funny sometimes and holy cow a lot of people from my high school have gotten married. Maybe it's not that uncommon, but I thought non LDS people didn't get married until they were older, around thirty or so, but a rather large number of my graduating class is married and none of them were LDS. The one that boggled my mind was Kelsey, she got married over a year ago. She wasn't even twenty one yet! One of these days I'm going to go through my senior yearbook and count all the murried people. It'll be a grand time. I'm really hoping to join them in the coming years. Wow marriage. I should really learn to get more sleep. 

What a day!

After leaving this wonderful wonderful man tonight I had my head in the clouds and it was so nice to be hugged and loved and spend time with good friends and great people and I just love friends and wedding receptions and getting all dressed up and making people smile. Life is excellent, I am happy!

Do you know what I see?

I see a girl that spends a majority of her time alone, but stays positive and posts happy stories and pictures about it rather than letting it bring her down. I see a girl who could have moved a thousand times when it was seemingly easier, but she has stuck it out because her Devon is worth it. Some days she hated this place and these people and felt so helpless and lonely she could cry. Other days she wanted someone to tell the stories to, to share the life with, to make food for, to care. These days she's happy, she remembers all the good and silly times from two years ago and now with the promise of the future and the adventure to be had she can hardly stand it. I see a girl ready to take the plunge, to do hard things. To help those around her, to remind others of the savior. I see a girl with divine potential. I see someone who can make the most of any situation and is holding true to the love she has for a boy. I see a girl who hopefully will be able to get out of bed in the morning. Let the NyQuil take its course. 

This is giving me time

This change with Devon has given me time to think like I haven't before. My life will still go on if he doesn't want me when he gets home, he would be hard pressed to find someone who loves him as much as I do, but that's his choice to make. I won't be quiet about my feelings, I won't wait till I'm sure he's going to reciprocate, when I see him, I'll tell him and we'll sort it out from there. I won't pounce on him and say "do you love me?!?!!" But I will bring it up maybe not the love part, but the wanting to pursue something for sure. I just want to know what to do and if I'm planning our future or just mine. I don't want to think about this, I want him to love me as much as I love him and I want to continue feeling that way for a long long time. That's what scares me. My longest relationship was not that long, I'm worried I don't have to staying power. Once I see him and find out how I feel I'm sure that will go a long way in determining what course our lives will take. Oh I hope it works out how we want it to. And if it doesn't I hope I'm a big enough person to hope someone else makes him happy. Oh that makes me sick, I want it to be me, so badly. Two more months! 

I'm becoming one of those people

I am a gym rat and I love it! And I posted a status update about it on Facebook yesterday.. And 102 people have 'liked' it. It's been so marvelous! I feel a lot better in nearly every way and it helps me connect with the silence that otherwise I don't achieve. Im not addicted, but I do see the value in it! This weekend is general conference and I have a grand plan to watch the Sunday sessions alone in my room. With my by myself. It'll be grand and relaxing. I love listening to the prophets voice. I feel prepared and happy. I think it's so important that I have learned to be happy on my own independent of Devon, it'll make it easier on our relationship and our combined happiness I'm sure.