It is done.

I broke up with Max. I dyed my hair. I feel empowered and happy. My roommates and Bryan cheered for me. It is a good life. Bring on the dates! I'm single and ready to mingle! Seriously, someone set me up on a date because I'm dying here. In other news, the correct thing to say when someone breaks up with you is NOT, I repeat is not! "Okay" yeah well I can see how much I meant to you. By the way, I have a streak of purple hair (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The fact of the matter

You know why people go to funerals? It's a vital part in the grieving process, it lets you say your goodbyes, cry it out, hug others that are mourning, talk about whoever died and wallow for an hour or two. You know what's not great? Missing funerals when you are very much mourning. I closed the box on my high school life when I moved out of Alaska and left a corner open for Jen and Pat, less than a year later I closed the Pat corner as well and forgot all the many people who were my friends anyway. Through all the mess that growing up was, I never hated him, I mean yes, he annoyed me like a brother more times than one and he got his heart broken by more than one of my friends. I considered him a friend. I hate talking about people in the past tense. I know it makes me human, but I don't want to continue to cry because I don't enjoy staying home all day feeling empty. The matter with Max isn't helping things. I don't want to talk to him about this, why don't I want to talk to him about this? He's the worst. 

David Hecker, I wish I was there to mourn with those that are mourning for you. Your life will not go unnoticed because I will remember it. I'm so sorry. 

"You see things and you understand"

I talked to my mom this morning on the phone and she said that my brothers and her had Facebook stalked Max and Bob remarked that he wasn't attractive and my mom went into his and my defense that there is so much more than physical attraction to a relationship and how I am drawn to his personality and the testimony that he shares and his intelligence and so many more things, but as she was telling me this my heart kind of fell. It's all so many silly things that have added up to me feeling so unappreciated and unwanted and just rubbed me the wrong way. It's a lot of silly things that add up to me not wanting to pursue a long term relationship with Max. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and that I never have to cause to question that fact. It was just a rough day. I don't want to have to worry that someone won't love me anymore because I'm not a perfect model. I want to know that they love me for me and not what I look like. I want to feel comfortable enough to wear my ugly sweats around them and tie my hair up. I don't want someone who pursues the insecurities I already have in myself. I just want to talk to Christopher. I miss him, he'd give me the confidence to break apart from Max and figure out what else I need to be doing right now in my life. He would be quite supportive of my moving to Logan. I want to go there so bad. I have so much turmoil in my soul right now. I need a change. Let's do this! Something! Anything! 

Loss

I remember you. I remember the sarcastic antagonistic manner you hung around our group with. I remember never knowing who you had a crush on any particular week, I remember your cheeky grin. I remember never doubting how deeply you cared for all of us. David Hecker, your death has had a bigger impact on me then I could have anticipated. Oh that I were home and could mourn with those in mourning. Thank heavens for good friends and roommates here who take care of me while I grieve. I miss you, Hecker. Keep that amazing laugh and I'll see you in 80 years, give or take. 

Get it, girl!

I am feeling pretty proud today, look at the difference between those two pictures?!?!! I think this crazy diet and workout regiment is working, what do you think? 

Don't mistake my silence

Don't mistake my silence for timidity, or stupidity, or intelligence, or shyness, or anger, or boredom. I am just here, I am enjoying watching things from the sidelines. I am enjoying seeing all the awkward encounters and conversations of others. I am not above them, I just enjoy seeing how others interact to better know their character. Max is a talker, I am not so much. I prefer silence or music. I think it's from all this time of getting cut off each time I try to tell a story. I like to talk at times, I like to laugh all the time and I like to sing whenever the moment calls for it. I'm confused today and I don't really know what about. So here I sit in silence, reading, occasionally humming and quietly doing my work. Till next time.

Things I've learned from men

From Joe I learned that even when you can see your life with someone, it doesn't mean you marry them. From Pat I learned that people are inherently good, you just have to search for it. From Coulson I learned that those you love most can alter their opinions of you in a heartbeat. From Braden I learned that when you truly love someone in the purest sense of the word it's okay if they stay in your life forever, and to always take time to look forward to things. From Jon I learned that if you treat people like they are it, they will become it. From Taylor I learned that you make the dearest friends in the most unlikely of places. From Ben I learned that hormones aren't all they are cracked up to be and being with someone simply because they look at you with stars in their eyes does not mean you be with them. From Thomas I learned to be sure of myself, even when it wasn't warranted and that simply chemistry is not enough to create a lasting relationship. From Devon I learned to be a better woman, to strive for excellence and to have hope even in the bleakest of circumstance. From Dallin I'm learning that pessimistic and optimistic people can be friends for years and years and that laughing really is the best. From Max I'm learning that if you don't do things you love while dating, you never recover fully and a nice embrace and lengthy conversation are the most blissful ends to the day, or beginning, or middle, or all of those. From Tyler I learned to be sure of myself and stand for what I know to be just and true. And finally, from Christopher I'm constantly learning to be a happier and nicer person, that faults are human, but they shouldn't consume us, that God is good and some people are meant to be in your life forever. 

All in all I've had some pretty wonderful experiences and some pretty dreadful heartbreaks, but here I am, I can do it, I can make it through whatever there is in store for me because I have a Father in Heaven who looks out for me at every turn. 

I could just really use a hug, but here I am too proud to ask for one.