Yup, Nope, I still hate things.

This week has been so packed with work and friends and family and loved ones. Yet one bad dream makes me more aggravated than all those encounters made me happy. In a few short weeks I'll be in California and standing on the coast looking out over the ocean. I'm weepy again today. I talked to Bryan last night about all the sadness and he said he was there to support me, but I just want to run away. I can do that, right? I can run until I can't anymore. I'll probably make it to the end of the block before I give up.

"Isn't life blessed?"

Surprise! The saga continues. Girls "moves on" Boy pines over girl, Boy can't take it after two months of not talking, Boy texts girl, Girl responds, Boy made girls day, Boy and girl text back and forth for three hours consecutively, Boy says he missed Girl, Girl says she missed Boy, Girl wakes up the next day feeling sad and untrusting and depressed and confused and dragging. Boy said some things that were so inspiring and happy and Girl just wants to trust him and talk to him and be in his life again, Girl also doesn't know how to do that.

I hate this stupid thing.

Share a diet coke with Sabrina

It is done.

I broke up with Max. I dyed my hair. I feel empowered and happy. My roommates and Bryan cheered for me. It is a good life. Bring on the dates! I'm single and ready to mingle! Seriously, someone set me up on a date because I'm dying here. In other news, the correct thing to say when someone breaks up with you is NOT, I repeat is not! "Okay" yeah well I can see how much I meant to you. By the way, I have a streak of purple hair (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The fact of the matter

You know why people go to funerals? It's a vital part in the grieving process, it lets you say your goodbyes, cry it out, hug others that are mourning, talk about whoever died and wallow for an hour or two. You know what's not great? Missing funerals when you are very much mourning. I closed the box on my high school life when I moved out of Alaska and left a corner open for Jen and Pat, less than a year later I closed the Pat corner as well and forgot all the many people who were my friends anyway. Through all the mess that growing up was, I never hated him, I mean yes, he annoyed me like a brother more times than one and he got his heart broken by more than one of my friends. I considered him a friend. I hate talking about people in the past tense. I know it makes me human, but I don't want to continue to cry because I don't enjoy staying home all day feeling empty. The matter with Max isn't helping things. I don't want to talk to him about this, why don't I want to talk to him about this? He's the worst. 

David Hecker, I wish I was there to mourn with those that are mourning for you. Your life will not go unnoticed because I will remember it. I'm so sorry. 

"You see things and you understand"

I talked to my mom this morning on the phone and she said that my brothers and her had Facebook stalked Max and Bob remarked that he wasn't attractive and my mom went into his and my defense that there is so much more than physical attraction to a relationship and how I am drawn to his personality and the testimony that he shares and his intelligence and so many more things, but as she was telling me this my heart kind of fell. It's all so many silly things that have added up to me feeling so unappreciated and unwanted and just rubbed me the wrong way. It's a lot of silly things that add up to me not wanting to pursue a long term relationship with Max. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and that I never have to cause to question that fact. It was just a rough day. I don't want to have to worry that someone won't love me anymore because I'm not a perfect model. I want to know that they love me for me and not what I look like. I want to feel comfortable enough to wear my ugly sweats around them and tie my hair up. I don't want someone who pursues the insecurities I already have in myself. I just want to talk to Christopher. I miss him, he'd give me the confidence to break apart from Max and figure out what else I need to be doing right now in my life. He would be quite supportive of my moving to Logan. I want to go there so bad. I have so much turmoil in my soul right now. I need a change. Let's do this! Something! Anything!