For the first time

You may have thought judging by the title that I did something new and miraculous for the first time, nope! No such luck. Today for the first time since I've moved to Provo it didn't feel like home. It may be because I spent the last 9 days with my immediate family and we had a blast, but I just know that I need to get out of this town. I told my mom where my thoughts were headed and when I got home I told my roommate what I was thinking as well, we'll see if these people let me get away with getting away. Aunt Cindy would let me live with her in a heartbeat and I'd have a whole new world to explore and enjoy. I was made to wander and travel. It's a good thing that not all who wander are lost. I'm living proof of that. I should really get some sleep. 

Laying by the lights

One of my favorite things to do around the holidays when the blues set in for all those not joining the festivities any given year is to lie under the tree and watch the lights glow. It might sound a bit too Greys Anatomy for some, but I love it! At my house I laid under the tree and sang a few sad songs and let me melancholy reach its full potential. I am happy, I just miss those that aren't able to be around. I would hug them all with such a fierce love they wouldn't be able to help feeling the warmth and happiness I have to have them near. Also, out of Provo for 9 whole days! What if I moved? 

Widowed aunt? Somewhere totally random? London with Annie? Alaska? Lets have an adventure then, shall we? 

Devon

Missing someone is a dreadful way to go through life. I miss the way he bobs his head in for a kiss when he feels like he's gotten away with something and he's winning whatever discussion we're having. The way he held me all the time, it was never too much. When he thought I was being funny the belly laugh that brought joy and warmth to me life and soul. The fact that he couldn't handle the cold, but knew I loved it so he'd still go on walks with me. How I can see myself living in Hawaii. How he kept me in line. He accepted my flaws and loved me for them. He knew I wasn't perfect, but was striving to be good. He wears adorably nerdy glasses and remembers little comments I made from back when we first met. He gets me. I miss him nearly always. 7 months down. Write me soon! 

No happiness in exhaustion

Some days it's nice to be good and tired by the time you return home. Other days are just days. 

Adventures

Sometimes I wish I were at my soon-to-be in-laws for the holidays, spending time getting to know his family and how we're going to work with all of them. Maybe next year. That's what I wished for on my birthday candles, someone to love within the next year. What a grand adventure that would be. Being at my parents house has just made me want a home of my own and to be living somewhere other than Provo. Someday that will be my life. 

A rant of rants

Wouldn't it be nice to have someone dreaming of you? Remember the phrase, "nice guys finish last" I would argue the same could be said for nice girls. I am a nice girl and I tend to reel men in with the notion that they can have me, but somewhere along the way something in my demeanor or actions or intentions changes and they see me forever more as this person they can confide in, joke with and even snuggle with on occasion, but all romantic and twitterpated gleams have gone from their eyes and I am this model of platonic love just placed here for them to feel validated. Despite the fact this happens again and again I seem to not be able to discover what it is about me that make it so I'm not the serious girlfriend/marriage material. I am righteous, a fantastic cook, happy, neat, funny, delightful, see the good in everyone and love God and my family above all else. It doesn't take much to keep me entertained and rarely do I dispute when someone offers a suggestion. I am genuine and enjoy all the simple little things that life has to offer. I think I'm amazing and just want that one man out there who thinks it too. I'm done with wandering this life alone. I'm ready for more. It's on days like these I miss Devon to come tell me it'll all work out and we'll be together in time. 

Dreaming of you

If I could stop dreaming about him maybe I wouldn't be so head over heels. It's the dreams that make me feel like he's mine and we'll be together no matter what. Please please want me like I want you. Never have I wanted anything so bad.