Laughter.

I have been smiling all day. First in anticipation of my date, then during the date, then after :) 

So here's my deal. He is one of the best people I've ever met and I might just have first date goggles on right now, but I want to always feel this way! He is so amazing and driven and I have rather enjoyed getting to know him a little bit better and I like everything about him. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. And I've laughed enough to last for an entire week. At least. Plus now he knows I want to do it again. During the movie we kept doing the putting hands awkwardly on my leg to wait for him to grab it and he didn't, but when the movie was over he put his arm around me and we talked all during the credits. Then we went for frozen yogurt and talked for awhile. It wasn't a super long date, but oh my goodness it was fun. He was sweet and attentive and I said a few things like I was excited to see it with him. And how great he is. I wish I had more to say, but oh my goodness I'm just happy and it was lovely. 

I texted Dallin afterwards And said "Oh my goodness it was wonderful! Except I sort of hate the "is he going to hold my hand? Oh wait he's reaching! Oh wait no he's not. Can I fold my hands? Is that sending the signal I don't want him to hold my hand? Do I want him to hold my hand? Is it acceptable to hold hands on our first real date? Oh he just wanted a red vine. Oh no wait, he's fidgeting. Is he as nervous as I am. This movie is hard to pay attention to. Oh that part was funny. No wait, his hand is moving again. Is he watching me and not the movie? I hope I look smart. Is it possible to look smart while watching a cartoon?" " that's how I felt haha but mostly I loved it. Also Dallin brought me pizza and watched an episode of psych with Ari while we talked about it. They both approved my post date text and then read his response and got their seal of approval. I love them! I have so much appreciation for Dallin and he's become one of the very best people I've ever known and cares so much for me. 

I love Helen

Helen is one of the doctors I work with, she loves to check up on my life and make sure I am making good decisions in my love life. Today she sent me on an errand to bring treats back to the office, we are the worst as far treats go because none of us wanted anything sugary, black coffee for one, raspberries for another, chips and salsa for yet another haha not necessarily considered "treats" ANYWAY, she like to talk about my life and "live vicariously through you!" so when I was telling her about Connor today she said a few really sweet things and one of my favorites was something along the lines of "oh this boy really likes you, I can't wait for the wedding invitation" one step at a time, Helen, but thanks for being so optimistic. ps. As long as I stay focused on something else I forget the evil that has seeped into my life. Cancer sucks.

Cancer.

Not the astrology sign. Colon. Not in me, in my dear father. Pray for him. Whoever is reading this, please pray for him. I ask with every bit of my soul! I know without a doubt that prayers will get him through this and Heavenly Father hears every prayer uttered in our voices or hearts. 

Enter Dashing Home Teacher

Have I mentioned Connor? He's my home teacher, turns out he kinda thinks I'm great. I kinda think he's great too! So we're going to take our collective greatness on a date on Friday :)

There are some good days

I have been a downer and I'm fully aware of that, but it's not all bad. Saturday night I went over to Dallins to go for a walk and we only made it about a quarter mile before his cousin called out to him and we jumped in his car to go to a dollar movie with a big group of them. It was one of the more spontaneous things I've ever done and we had so much fun! We saw Inside Out and laughed all the way there, during and home afterwards. Plus we got there early so we had plenty of time to chat beforehand. I think Dallins cousin, AJ is hilarious and his girlfriend thought I was hilarious so it all worked out! When we sat down in the theater Dallin was kind of regretting it because he said, "how did we end up here?" in half shock and disbelief voice. I'm so grateful to have him for a friend and such a fun memory to have for as long as I am. Plus Inside Out was a winner, SUCH a good movie.

For a few years in my life I had a friend

His name is Coulson, we aren't friends anymore. We laughed and talked and went out all the time. We talked about things I don't remember and people who have long gone from my life. He had my back always. He was a football player and as sweet as could be. I never doubted his regard for me for a second. He took me to my senior (mo)prom and was easily the best date I've ever had. Being his friend was easy. I think I spent more time with him while I was dating Joe than I actually spent with Joe. And the first place I went after I came home that first Christmas was to his house. On a snow machine of course. I always wanted him to want me and the timing never worked out quite right. When he was about to make a move I got together with Joe. Oh how different my life would be if I had waited just a week. I can't get caught up in that though. That is not my life and Coulson and I haven't been friends for nearly two years now. Oh that's sad. All because his mother got offended because I got my feelings hurt over something he said in a letter he sent home that she put on the blog for all the world to see. I should have just brushed it off, I knew we were friends. I knew that maybe we could be something more, but that's not what I was pining for. I messed up and I think too much time has passed to make it right again, but I have to try. I need more friends in my life. I need my Coulson friend in my life. He lives here. Did you know that? We live in the same stinking city and we never see each other. 

It doesn't matter

It doesn't matter that being in his arms and smelling his smell feels like coming home. It doesn't matter that it's what I wanted and worked for for two years. It doesn't matter that I lost 30 pounds. It doesn't matter that I did everything right. It doesn't matter that he wears nerd glasses and lava lava's. It doesn't matter that I yearn for him. It doesn't matter how he looked at me. It doesn't matter if he wants to come back. It doesn't matter if I never talk to another boy. It doesn't matter that I waited. It doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter how broken I am. It doesn't matter that I still think he'll come back. It doesn't matter that I still want him to. It doesn't matter that no one measures up. It doesn't matter that he doesn't want me. It doesn't matter that every time someone asks about the men in my life I still think of him. It doesn't matter that I might not ever move on from that. It doesn't matter that I live in his town. It doesn't matter. Any of it. It just doesn't matter.