Seeing other people happy

Makes me so thrilled for them, till hours later I remember that I'm alone and then some of that happiness is gone. The things people say that are supposed to be the big moments fall flat and when someone you love so dearly says "I have found the girl I'm going to marry" and all you can muster up is a "yay" it starts to feel a little artificial. I made two new friends today, which doubles the amount of friends I had before. 

Life is fleeting

The longer I live the more I realize that the above is true. Grant Stewart passed away yesterday, the reason is a mystery as of right now, but Suzanne went to check on him and he had stopped breathing. It just so bizarre to me, I saw him in May. He hugged me and dove right in to his usual awkward self. My heart hurts for his family right now and I let them know that, but I'm not sure how much that actually helps. Sad day. I am grateful for the many people in my life that love me and the fact that I got to know him for most of my life. I forget sometimes that it is not a normal thing to know so many people who have died at the young age I'm at. If that is my trial I will accept it, I know that it is hard and makes me want to live a better life and that's always a good reminder. My thoughts are with the Stewarts today, I hope they find miracles in the next few days/weeks and years.

Big slap in the face

To Sabrina: get off your high horse, you are no better than any of the rest of them and being sad and depressed is NO excuse for treating someone like they are less than a daughter of God.

My dreams are far too realistic

I had a dream last night that I was killed by a shooter in the hospital, thankfully I have not and I haven't had to endure a shooter. Also, I may have been watching too much Criminal Minds and Greys Anatomy.. bad combination. ANYWAY, my point is that I realized I have so many things left unsaid and I wanted to write them down so that at least they would be somewhere, whoever reads this, if I am to pass away, get it out there. To Dallin: You were the first one that I thought of, You have been my friend these past 9 ish years and I feel so lucky to have grown with you in my life. I wish that you knew how much it means to me when you say little things in our conversations about it being stupid if a guy didn't want to be with me. It reminds me that you really do care even if sometimes you don't show it when we're in person. I know you hate this word, but I love you and there's nothing you can do about it! To Christie: Go back to church. I know it's overwhelming and hard and so so so not fun, but the only way to achieve eternal happiness is to be diligent and it has taken me a long time to shrug off all the ridiculous hypocrites and do this for me. I've been working on meaningful prayer and it has helped me greatly. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if I were to actually pass away I would kick myself eternally for not telling you how important it is to me that you're right there at my side in Heaven. You are not too far gone, you have control and you can do it! I love you so very much and thank the Lord every chance I get for your influence in my life and the fact that I laughed at you in Relief Society. You once told me I was the cheese to your macaroni and I'll never forget that. To Mom: I love you, Adam will be okay, with all the prayers and fasting and thoughts how could he not be? He knows he is so loved. You are my best friend and I'm so lucky I had the chance to learn from you all the days of my life. Even on days we haven't spoken you are immersed in the little details of my life and I am so very grateful for all you have given me. Every time someone tells me I am like you I grin all the way to my toes. That is the highest compliment they could ever hope to pay me. Take a deep breath, it will all work out. To Dad: You have never embarrassed me. Ever. which is kind of impressive considering I think you tried your darnedest a time or two. I have always been proud to bare the Holbrook name and to be your daughter. You had the whole fatherhood thing figured out. I never felt like work or other obligations came before our family because "Family first" You have instilled such wonderful attributes in me and I think I turned into an okay person. I cherish the bond that we share, I love you, Dad. To Bryan: I met you about a year ago and I have been constantly amazed at your ability to make people feel at ease and cared for. When I met you my best friend thought you were the hottest thing since sliced bread so I teased her and called you her boyfriend for months. Then you became my Bryan friend and "son" and now you're one of the people I cherish most in this world. A hug from you changes my day and your consistent friendship makes me feel loved. I am so grateful you're doing fun things and that I can be there to support you. The smile on your face is enough to tell me that it's all worth it. To Braden&Lauren&Baby: I pray for you, my friends. All the time. Braden, you have been an amazing influence in my life for good and fun and growth. When I moved to Provo 4 years ago I never anticipated there was someone like you there waiting for me. Lauren, I know that you know, but he loves you so completely and his actions when we first spent time all together shouted that to me more than anything he's ever verbally said. Baby, your parents are nuts and they will love you so fiercely, you're one lucky kid. To Janine: You actually came up to my desk at the hospital while I was writing this! You have been so wonderful to me for years! I have enjoyed our numerous trips to the temple and lengthy conversations and endless meals and gym trips. You are my it girl. Someone is going to snatch you up and fill your life with love and I can't wait to see that day. I love you! To Bri&Devon: #andDevon #Rexishere! #OnaTuesday :) You two have gotten me through some pretty tough days in the past year and I feel so blessed to have been your roommate. You really do make each other better and I have loved seeing your relationship grow and flourish. I'm so happy to be a part of your lives. You adorable homologous blob. To Jen: High school is the worst. And yet, with you by my side I had such an enjoyable experience in my hours after school. You are a true friend and a strong woman. I remember bursting into your office at all hours and giggling the days away. I have loved your friendship every day since I acquired it. I love taking adventures with you and know that you are going to be a great mom whether it be in this life or the next. You don't have to be like your mother. To Melissa, Mycah, Patty, Keri, Jessie, Helen, Donna, Julie, Rachel, Jami, Danylle and Risa: You have made my work load one I could easily bare. You are good friends and marvelous people and make me happy to come to work every day. I have grown so much working here that I am happy to not go back to the way I was before. You help me strive for more and to have a happy attitude about all things. Except the weekend, we wear black on Mondays to mourn the weekend. To Devon: I would have married you, for the past three years I would have married you. That's not true any longer. I deserve someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. You have taught me so many things about life and love and what it feels like to be completely happy. Thank you. I hope you have luck and find love somewhere along the way. To Bishop Hermmann: Next time someone comes in and tells your they are struggling, let them talk, don't talk over them because even though you are a great man who I genuinely believe was called of God, you could probably shut up a little bit in your one-on-one meetings. To Christopher: I am so so so so so SO proud of you! You make me believe in things. You make me be a better person and find love I didn't know could exist. I wish that we wouldn't kill each other if we got married because can you imagine how much fun our life would be together? Alas, I would probably kill you first, so I'm really happy I have a forever friend in you. Your strength and dedication has always been what has drawn me to you and I'm so happy I got to see your journey through the atonement and see you become the man I have always seen you to be. I love you, every day, forever. Your constant companionship and never ending patience with the minute details of my life has always made me feel loved and genuinely cared for. To Don&Michele: You are my best grandparents by far for one simple reason, You love me and you show it. You are wonderful people and I hope to have others care for me the way I care for you. I never feel in the way or overwhelming to you. I always know that when I come into your house I am going to be greeted with love and snacks and information about all the people in Michele's ward and our family. You are my family. I love you. I had a lot to say, I forgot some people (namely my siblings) but I'll come back to this soon.

Why is it shameful to be alone?

I do almost everything alone and would you like to know why? Because I am a young, single and independent woman. I went to a football game alone last night and bounced around from group to group, I made friends with a security guard, I ran into someone I haven't seen in years and had a nice long chat because I wasn't worried about taking up someone else's time or getting back to my group. I love the freedom that being alone gives me. I went to a conference this morning and among the scads of people looking for multiple seats I only needed one and had one of the better ones in the house because of it, but everyone looked at me like I was out of place or it was odd that I wasn't giggling with gals pals or attempting to attract attention from guys. At church each week I sit alone and enjoy the spirit that resides, but that's wrong because I'm supposed to be socializing and finding a husband... Or that's what my roommates and fellow churchgoers would have me think. I go to the movies alone nearly every time I go to the movies. First off because I don't actually have anyone to go with and secondly because it's such a hassle trying to get someone's schedule to coincide with yours. Especially if it's a movie I'm kind of embarrassed about wanting to see. Thirdly, I don't have to share my popcorn with anyone, ever. You can't beat that. Fourthly, I can be as animated as I want to be and the people I'm next to will never see me again. 

I drive places alone, I go to the library alone, I go grocery shopping alone, I eat alone, I work out alone, I watch movies alone, I clean alone, I go to parties alone(hahaha, "I go to parties") my existence is a lone one, and someday it won't be, but for now I am making the most of it! 

Also, it really sucks running into people you once loved and can't anymore. 

Everyone probably already knew

I didn't know it was over. I didn't want to look for the signs. I didn't think it would ever really end. I didn't want to believe it was possible for something so right and real to no longer exist. Now I do. And my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces. I've fed myself lies for so long that I don't even know how to discern what's truth anymore. I think it will be awhile before I'm willing to give my heart away again, I just got it back and we're going to be friends for awhile before I entrust someone else with it. Pardon my sobbing, that's the sound of moving on. I've done a really great job the past three months with distracting myself from the real issue and now I'm coming to terms with it. What I had previously believed to be my future is a myth and now I start over. May I be strong enough to endure this. 

My favorite part.

My favorite part about this picture is that I didn't do anything special for it, this is what I look like! Wearing a t-shirt, jeans, left my hair down, leftover makeup from the workout and freshly renewed purple hair, tired, happy, content. It's amazing how simple things can uplift us so completely. I don't have much different from the last time I posted, but tomorrow night I leave for California! Let the adventure begin and the happiness reign! Thank goodness for a break from work and roommates and boys and responsibilities and obligations and cars that don't run and double shot basketball hoops and pressures. Hello, Vacation!