I realized it

I had a realization today, it's Devon. It always has been, and I know it's naive of me to think it always will be, but I know it will. I was watching psych with Dallin (my first love in high school who recently moved to my area and we reconnected) this afternoon and I looked over at him at one point and ached for him to be Devon. Don't get me wrong, I love our friendship and it's so nice to have my friend back in my life, but he's no Devon and knowing that has sent me into a tailspin of missing that sweet man who made me feel frail and gentle like I needed to be taken care of, not domineered over. Who thinks he's so clever the thousandth time he sings our song in my ear, but what I wouldn't trade now to hear his low husky voice as he sings. I don't want anyone else. I want Devon. He is everything I wish that I could be and I know he will love me forever if I let him. He is fun and keeps the romance alive. He is straightforward and doesn't worry about hurting my feelings because he knows I can take it and I know when I've had enough and to draw the line. He loves country music, Kenney Chesney anyway. He makes a mean chocolate chip cookie. He knows the importance of companionship. He knows a hug can change your whole day. When things work out like I hope they do I hope he reads this and laughs at how little I knew him now. There's so much more to learn and we've got plenty of growing to do together. Four months, three weeks. That's it. It's going to be the quickest and longest of my life. I have some major soul searching to do before then and I hope most of it involves him. Pray for me, I've never wanted anything so badly in my life.