Tomorrow is the day.

It's been two weeks since I've heard from Devon which is quite irregular and with recent events in my life has made things rather hard to bear. Tomorrow is his email day. What kind of person doesn't write back when you tell them someone incredibly close to you has had a stroke? I hope and pray that he sees how much I need him. Now, more than ever. I keep hoping for some magical fix. Almost as though all of the sudden I will have a best friend who actually wants to be mine, I'll have a man who loves me, a home to live in without roommates, a car that runs and a job I love. Thankfully I have a job I love, now I've just got to get that raise so I can afford to live by myself and get the rest of my ducks in a row. It's a constant dilemma, let me just tell you. I know my problems are nothing compared to others, but they're mine. 

I feel bad that I didn't/haven't gone on a mission. My justification has always been that I didn't want to go, I wanted to get married and start my family. Those have always been the desires of my heart so what am I to do if that doesn't come to pass? I know I'm young, but it has never felt more real than it does right this moment. Dallin Beus came back from his mission and is moving to Provo tomorrow, we always talked about how I would be married long before he came home. Now that I'm not, what do we do with that? I mean obviously we are much different people than those goofy 16 year olds we were back then. But who knows, we could fall back into something because it's comfortable. I don't want comfortable, I want exciting and something that stretches me to be a better and more loving person. I am not the girl I was back then, thank goodness. I'd like to think I've come a long way. 

I don't know why I felt compelled to write this. 

Devon, I hope I hear from you tomorrow, you mean the world to me. Through everything, I always come back to you.