If I could text you

So many things are running through my head right now I feel like if I shared them with you then they wouldn't continue to torment me. 

If I could text you I would invite you to come over and make out exactly as I did that one wonderful night many months ago. I felt more alive in that instance than I have for the past 3 months, maybe it was the danger of getting caught or the fact that it was past curfew or that I was completely crazy about you or the way you always tease me with your lips along my jawline or the fact that with you everything was playful and fun. 

If I could text you I'd tell you how much I long for your touch and to see your face adorned with nerdy glasses and a smirk at whatever snarky comment I've just made. 

If I could text you I would tell you all about my plans to move so I can live in Seattle until you come home, then I'll move wherever you want me. 

If I could text you I would say how much I love you and dream of you every night and think of you all day every day. 

If I could text you I would send you pictures of my adventures and tell you that I'm still living and experiences life even though you are gone from me. 

If I could text you I would ask you if this is real or if I'm just imagining this infatuation. If all those days and nights we spent together meant the same thing to you they still mean to me. 

If I could text you I would tell you how much I yearn for you and Christie to be back at my sides once more to set my world straight and give me the joy I once felt on a daily basis. 

If I could text you I would tell you that my heart hurts for the loss of my grandpa and uncle and that I live in constant fear of more phone calls like those ones. 

If I could text you I would ask if you think it's a good move for me to head to Seattle to check something else off my list and enjoy all that this world has to offer. I would ask you to join me there when you come home. 

If I could text you I would cry happy tears to not wait months for a letter. 

If I could text you I would tell you how much those letters meant to me and how my heart soared each time I looked at them or the pictures that usually accompanied such happy occasions. 

If I could text you I would admit what a sap I have become for you, I would tell you all sorts of embarrassing things and let you laugh at me for I so love your laugh. 

Alas, I can't text you, but I can write my thoughts on this blog where you'll never see them. I miss you always, I love you, come home soon. 

Obligatory New Years post

Why do we say "happy New Years" as opposed to the grammatically correct "happy new year" it's always been an interesting conundrum for me. I'm mostly positive that this is the latest I've stayed up, maybe ever. Okay, I've pulled all nighters before, I was a teenager, it happens, but the latest I've stayed up in the past year was maybe 12:30 once or twice and I certainly don't look forward to doing this again. I think it's funny how we start off our new year with a headache from the night before and lack of sleep. This is why I will end up a spinster because I have an old soul and no one around to appreciate it. I'm done with this place. Writing from the guest bedroom at Marissas parents house, goodnight, world 

For the first time

You may have thought judging by the title that I did something new and miraculous for the first time, nope! No such luck. Today for the first time since I've moved to Provo it didn't feel like home. It may be because I spent the last 9 days with my immediate family and we had a blast, but I just know that I need to get out of this town. I told my mom where my thoughts were headed and when I got home I told my roommate what I was thinking as well, we'll see if these people let me get away with getting away. Aunt Cindy would let me live with her in a heartbeat and I'd have a whole new world to explore and enjoy. I was made to wander and travel. It's a good thing that not all who wander are lost. I'm living proof of that. I should really get some sleep. 

Laying by the lights

One of my favorite things to do around the holidays when the blues set in for all those not joining the festivities any given year is to lie under the tree and watch the lights glow. It might sound a bit too Greys Anatomy for some, but I love it! At my house I laid under the tree and sang a few sad songs and let me melancholy reach its full potential. I am happy, I just miss those that aren't able to be around. I would hug them all with such a fierce love they wouldn't be able to help feeling the warmth and happiness I have to have them near. Also, out of Provo for 9 whole days! What if I moved? 

Widowed aunt? Somewhere totally random? London with Annie? Alaska? Lets have an adventure then, shall we? 

Devon

Missing someone is a dreadful way to go through life. I miss the way he bobs his head in for a kiss when he feels like he's gotten away with something and he's winning whatever discussion we're having. The way he held me all the time, it was never too much. When he thought I was being funny the belly laugh that brought joy and warmth to me life and soul. The fact that he couldn't handle the cold, but knew I loved it so he'd still go on walks with me. How I can see myself living in Hawaii. How he kept me in line. He accepted my flaws and loved me for them. He knew I wasn't perfect, but was striving to be good. He wears adorably nerdy glasses and remembers little comments I made from back when we first met. He gets me. I miss him nearly always. 7 months down. Write me soon! 

No happiness in exhaustion

Some days it's nice to be good and tired by the time you return home. Other days are just days. 

Adventures

Sometimes I wish I were at my soon-to-be in-laws for the holidays, spending time getting to know his family and how we're going to work with all of them. Maybe next year. That's what I wished for on my birthday candles, someone to love within the next year. What a grand adventure that would be. Being at my parents house has just made me want a home of my own and to be living somewhere other than Provo. Someday that will be my life.