I stopped being mad and got awesome

Connor asked me to be his girlfriend. CONNOR ASKED ME TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I might be a little excited about that. A little. SO here's the story, he wanted to come study at my house last night which I was all for because then I got to write Linnea a letter and make good headway on my book. I could get used to that. ANYWAY all my roommates were milling around the kitchen and talking and laughing while Connor and I were on the couch and he looked at me for a minute then started writing on his scratch paper "are we a thing now?" then I wrote back "Do you want to be?" he said "I do." and I said "me too" then he wrote a smiley face and we sat there grinning like fools for a few minutes. or ya know, the rest of the time he was at my house :) We got all snuggly and I got really sleepy so he went home, but oh my goodness I have a boyfriend. Connor is my boyfriend. This is real life. This is not a drill. And that was the start to my best birthday ever.

Want to know what makes me crazy?

I knew you did. First, my sister is serving a mission, that's wonderful, but holy cow she turned into a brat as soon as she left and it's just getting worse. I know it's hard, it sucks to be away from your family and your super hoebaggy boyfriend, but that being said it does NOT give you a right to be a royal rotten spoiled scoundrel to your family and friends. Or maybe it's just me that she's behaving like this to.. but when you write two paragraphs in an email about how much it sucks not to get mail and berate the one person who has tried to ignore your brattiness and suffer through it and in the entire freaking email you never once mention that it's MY BIRTHDAY IN TWO DAYS. Whatever sis, I don't care. Stop talking to me for awhile. NEXT! Roommates, I'm sorry that this study I told you about conflicts with my birthday party, but truth be told I would rather you weren't at my birthday party anyway. I only want people there that I love and that love me right back, please please please go do the study and don't freaking ask to switch my birthday party day. I'm sorry I'm so inconvenient to your life and that you think I'm boring and that you don't really care about me, but this one day I'm going to be a brat and make sure it's somewhat about me. I will only have one 23rd birthday and it's unfortunate that all the crap with Adam keeps coming back up and it makes me mad that I don't have control over my emotions and I feel robbed already and the day hasn't even started yet. I just want to feel unique and genuinely cared about and I want a lot of really big hugs.

Not only do I try, I do.

He called me on the phone, that is so rare and wonderful! I noticed the other day that when I'm around Connor I don't have those angsty feelings that are not foreign to me. I seriously become a better person. It's not something I'm trying to do to win him over or impress him, I genuinely am happier, have not so many complaints, all the angst leaves me and all that is left is love for the world around me. Now if only I could hold on to that all the time. THAT is the goal. To really become the person I strive to be and see glimpses of, I want to have overflowing love for those around me, not so much that I don't see their faults, but that I love them and their faults. Plus it's snowing, this is my best day.

39 days 9 hours 21 minutes 12 seconds

That is how long it is until Christopher's surprise homecoming party starts! I'm a little excited. Or a lot. Last night I needed my best friend so badly. I wanted to talk to him for hours like we used to.. Except he always had to go outside or in his car or something because his parents said he was too loud when we talked together at night. Haha on one hand I don't feel like any time has passed at all. Wasn't it just yesterday he came to visit me at the hospital when he went into the MTC? On the other hand I have felt every second of him being gone these past two years. Time is a funny thing. I hope he still wants to be my friend. I hope I get to talk to him like old times and that we stay great friends forever. But none of this can happen till I get out of bed and start moving on today. 

Condescending Mom mask

I hope I never stoop so low as to assume that simply because I am a mother I am better than all those around me. I hope I never look at my young coworker who is desperately trying to find a husband and family that "oh I guess you don't have kids so there's no way you could understand" I hope I never make anyone feel as small as my coworker made me feel today. I never want to insinuate that someone has less worth simply because they haven't had the chance to fulfill their divine roll as of yet. I don't want to assume things about their lives and how they live and what they hope for after only knowing them a few weeks. I'm so mad because the assumption that goes around is that it is my choice to be living my life this way and the fact that I haven't "settled down" and started raising a family is frowned upon. What about Melissa? Or Mycah? For all she knows they could have infertility issues. There is NO way to figure all that out about a person after only knowing them for a few weeks. What if someone just had a miscarriage? What if one of us had been pregnant and lost the baby at any stage? What if we had been told we were infertile? YOU DONT KNOW THAT! YOU CANT SAY THINGS LIKE THAT! Someday I will be a wife and a mother and I hope I am more aware of the feelings of others before I speak and say insensitive things. Someday I hope I am a great woman of strength and sensitivity for those around me. 

If I could stop

If I could stop falling in love with everyone I meet, that would be great. I had a lengthy discussion with my coworker today about how I all too often use the word "love" and it's because I really do love things so freely and so quickly. Unfortunately that happens with people too. In many instances it is a great quality, today it was not. I work with a man who is old and married and treats me like a queen. He's a good man and I see the wonder in his eyes even though he deals with hard things often. He had become my dear friend, but I should not love him because it scares me to get so close with someone who is so far outside the realm of possibility of having a future. How did I get here? What a mess. I'm going to sleep till I forget. 

Is this what healing feels like?

Great news! It's not cancer! The doctor changed his mind so now we'll just wait to find out what it is! Not cancer, let's have a party!! 

Also, I think it's time I have a nice long cry and read all Devons letters and look at his pictures then put them away. For good or bad, but that little purple box on my shelf is making me insane. Every time I notice it I cringe. I'm not that girl any longer, I don't yearn for him the way I did 5 months ago. Or even two months ago. I would like to believe I've moved on and grown up and my Devon season has passed. He doesn't need my thoughts any more and I am too good for him.