In the place where I work

As a job hazard we don't always give out the happiest news, some days we have 24 patients of sad sad cases. On those days it's okay to go home and cry for them and all their heartache over the lives and welfare of their sweet sweet babies. As I walked through the clinic today I noticed a box of kleenex resting in the middle of the couch in my favorite doctors office. It just made me think that the memory of whichever couple that was in that room earlier were not having a great day. They sat down and listened with heavy hearts as tears welled up in their eyes and they clasped hands while our wonderful doctor told them the sad sad truth. Their presence was so strong in that room still that I had to walk away before tears sprang into my eyes as well. When I was first offered this job I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it, and I'm still not sure that I'm handling it as well as I should be. When friends come in and find out their babies have died or will die soon it almost becomes too much to bear. I never want to be one of these women. I want to do the maternity and motherhood thing more than any desire I've ever had, but to have to come to MFM after hearing it all and knowing what can happen within these walls, I would much rather have normal pregnancies with no excitement. I know our doctors can do amazing things and there are many many babies, children, youth and adults out there who owe them their lives, I would just rather skip it. Things are heavy today. I put away his pictures last night. I took them off the walls, out of my wallet, out of my books and stashed them with all the letters I've written him over the past three months. Placed them carefully in the box, then held it to my chest and cried. I cried for a multitude of reasons, I've been working on being the best me that I can be so that when he came home again he would want to be with me. I cried because I think I've lost a part of myself through this whole process. I cried because of the possibility of love lost. I cried over being unwanted. I cried because I'm going to miss my friend. I cried because of the uncertainty. I cried because I didn't want to say goodbye like that. I cried because maybe I took them down too soon. I cried because "Can you feel the love tonight" came on the radio. I cried because everyone keeps telling me to wait, but I know better. I would like to cry again, it felt good to get all the emotions out.