"We haven't seen you in awhile"

My bishop said those words to me as I walked into sacrament meeting today. Yeah well, it was on purpose and I really wish I wasn't here today either. I don't hate my ward, they are just so far away from where I want to be that's it's hard to be around them. Speaking of, I'm in sacrament meeting right now and a kid got up and turned a disability into a characteristic of being from the University of Utah (BYU's rival school) and now I don't want to be here anymore. I understand good school rivalry, but sacrament meeting is not the time nor the place to make your feelings on that subject known. 

I have been going to other wards each week for the sake of simply avoiding situations like those. I just wish that sacred things would be kept sacred and cavalier things would be kept cavalier. The lines on those two things shouldn't cross in my opinion. I know I am not the humblest of person when it comes to that, but I wish that more people were aware of that line. Especially in Provo! The temple is not a quiet place and that's what really gets me. I know that to be peaceful it doesn't have to be complete silence, but when I can hear every word you're saying about that football game from three rows away, you're talking too loud. I'm not being very understanding or forgiving today. I need to work on that. I went to visit Tiffany barker this morning and she welcomed me in with opened arms and chatted like we were old friends. We have only known each other for five months and yet, she treats me like I have been around for her whole life. I feel more often than not that she is the one teaching me, she adds these things to my lessons that show me that it's not about me, it's about her and the hope that she feels loved. I wish my visiting teachers would come. 

There's my rant about things. 

I love the church even if I don't love my ward, I know it's true. 

Dreams. Of ALL kinds.

My dreams when I'm asleep are of Devon. My dreams when I'm awake are of Devon. It's funny how your subconscious works. I went to sleep thinking about him and yearning for him to be here last night and woke up this morning from a dream where a different man had proposed to me with the biggest gaudiest ring I've ever seen. And yet, it was missing a diamond because he said he knew I didn't like big diamonds. So there was just a hole in the center where the diamond would have gone and Devon was in the crowd when I was proposed to by this stranger. He just looked sad, destroyed even. And I just wished with all my might to change it, that it would be my Devon on one knee in front of me willing us to spend the rest of eternity together. I know I'm supposed to live in the present, but for now, my present starts in 5 months. 

I know whoever reads this probably gets sick of me writing about this Devon boy. He hasn't been here for the past 20 months, but he'll be back! Soon! Soon! Soon! It gives me something to hold on to when I am alone. I can't even begin to tell you the hours of prayers and thoughts I have had to help me hope for that blessed day five months from now. 

For today I still have five months to make myself better, to be fitter, to pray harder, to learn more, to make more money, to touch more lives and to give others the chance to touch mine. 

I have a lot of goals this year and I am looking forward to make each of those happen. I can make it happen with the help of Christ who strengthens me. 

I realized it

I had a realization today, it's Devon. It always has been, and I know it's naive of me to think it always will be, but I know it will. I was watching psych with Dallin (my first love in high school who recently moved to my area and we reconnected) this afternoon and I looked over at him at one point and ached for him to be Devon. Don't get me wrong, I love our friendship and it's so nice to have my friend back in my life, but he's no Devon and knowing that has sent me into a tailspin of missing that sweet man who made me feel frail and gentle like I needed to be taken care of, not domineered over. Who thinks he's so clever the thousandth time he sings our song in my ear, but what I wouldn't trade now to hear his low husky voice as he sings. I don't want anyone else. I want Devon. He is everything I wish that I could be and I know he will love me forever if I let him. He is fun and keeps the romance alive. He is straightforward and doesn't worry about hurting my feelings because he knows I can take it and I know when I've had enough and to draw the line. He loves country music, Kenney Chesney anyway. He makes a mean chocolate chip cookie. He knows the importance of companionship. He knows a hug can change your whole day. When things work out like I hope they do I hope he reads this and laughs at how little I knew him now. There's so much more to learn and we've got plenty of growing to do together. Four months, three weeks. That's it. It's going to be the quickest and longest of my life. I have some major soul searching to do before then and I hope most of it involves him. Pray for me, I've never wanted anything so badly in my life. 

Tomorrow is the day.

It's been two weeks since I've heard from Devon which is quite irregular and with recent events in my life has made things rather hard to bear. Tomorrow is his email day. What kind of person doesn't write back when you tell them someone incredibly close to you has had a stroke? I hope and pray that he sees how much I need him. Now, more than ever. I keep hoping for some magical fix. Almost as though all of the sudden I will have a best friend who actually wants to be mine, I'll have a man who loves me, a home to live in without roommates, a car that runs and a job I love. Thankfully I have a job I love, now I've just got to get that raise so I can afford to live by myself and get the rest of my ducks in a row. It's a constant dilemma, let me just tell you. I know my problems are nothing compared to others, but they're mine. 

I feel bad that I didn't/haven't gone on a mission. My justification has always been that I didn't want to go, I wanted to get married and start my family. Those have always been the desires of my heart so what am I to do if that doesn't come to pass? I know I'm young, but it has never felt more real than it does right this moment. Dallin Beus came back from his mission and is moving to Provo tomorrow, we always talked about how I would be married long before he came home. Now that I'm not, what do we do with that? I mean obviously we are much different people than those goofy 16 year olds we were back then. But who knows, we could fall back into something because it's comfortable. I don't want comfortable, I want exciting and something that stretches me to be a better and more loving person. I am not the girl I was back then, thank goodness. I'd like to think I've come a long way. 

I don't know why I felt compelled to write this. 

Devon, I hope I hear from you tomorrow, you mean the world to me. Through everything, I always come back to you. 

Thomas is back

Thomas is back! The wide spectrum of emotions I'm feeling is so foreign to me that I don't have any idea what to do. Excited, anxious, nervous, terrified, thrilled, impatient, nauseous, electrified, insecure, confident, small, beautiful, insufficient, unintelligent, boring. 

The list could go on I'm sure, but those are just the top of the list ones. Linnea is flying home from Minnesota right now and her flights keep getting delayed. She's going to be stuck in Denver all day tomorrow. Which means we'll be getting a late start to Boise, but I think tomorrow is going to be a caffeine day because I am having lunch with Thomas. I raided Taryns closet and makeup so that I feel cute when I go to meet him. I'm so scared. I just want him to find me beautiful and the intelligent fun-loving woman he left here in June. I can't believe it's been 6 months. So much and yet so little has changed in that time. I hope we still banter well and that I end up coming out of it with confidence that I've been lacking and that this turns into a forever friendship. He is a particular person and I hope to be good enough to be one of his people. That sounds bad, I know, but he's on my side and it'll all work out. Plus! We don't have to go to institute while he's here, so that's a giant plus :) I am so ready. 

I wonder sometimes

While looking at my picture of my Devon that's my bookmark for my scriptures I started to wonder how it is that those two kids we used to be who were so determined not to start something ended up lasting at least three years and hopefully many many many many more! That first night and the talking we did, he caught fire when he was talking about Boy Scouts and I knew it was something he really loved, and I remember his timid touch to my hands that had been aching for him to hold them. The kiss was unexpected and welcomed. I had been yearning to kiss someone, to prove I was desirable, to boost my self esteem, to make a connection I lacked in all other aspects. And there he was. I didn't plan it, I didn't turn it away. It was slow and deliberate and so so sweet. The dancing afterwards reminded me that's how I hoped my life to be. I wanted in that moment to be growing old with this man I barely knew and dancing in our kitchen for eternity with him. I was sold right then and there and when he spun me into a kiss, I felt it in my soul. Our thoughts would get the best of us time and time again, but that first night was marvelous. It was like a dream. I remember waking up smiling the next morning and not focusing on work because I was daydreaming so completely. My car tire popped on my way into the parking lot and I couldn't even care! I had kissed and been kissed by Devon Jedediah Tenney! And he wanted to again! That night in the park and then walking and then in the hammock and then on the chair. Everywhere we were felt like just where I needed to be. He didn't have time to spend those hours making out with me. I probably wouldn't have done anything uplifting in that time so it was all happy to me. And we came out of those first two days. He is six months from coming home from serving a worthy mission, I have grown in the gospel and care ever so deeply for him. I can't wait to figure out what our next move is! Remembering gives me hope. 

I went to the gym

Never miss a Monday, it sets the stage for the rest of the week! And today, I went! There were too many people there so I walked a mile on the track, but I biked there and home so that's two more miles. It was a successful endeavor! And I feel great and very sleepy! :) I love the gym. I am excited to be able to breath again someday. Maybe not soon, but someday.