Not only do I try, I do.

He called me on the phone, that is so rare and wonderful! I noticed the other day that when I'm around Connor I don't have those angsty feelings that are not foreign to me. I seriously become a better person. It's not something I'm trying to do to win him over or impress him, I genuinely am happier, have not so many complaints, all the angst leaves me and all that is left is love for the world around me. Now if only I could hold on to that all the time. THAT is the goal. To really become the person I strive to be and see glimpses of, I want to have overflowing love for those around me, not so much that I don't see their faults, but that I love them and their faults. Plus it's snowing, this is my best day.

39 days 9 hours 21 minutes 12 seconds

That is how long it is until Christopher's surprise homecoming party starts! I'm a little excited. Or a lot. Last night I needed my best friend so badly. I wanted to talk to him for hours like we used to.. Except he always had to go outside or in his car or something because his parents said he was too loud when we talked together at night. Haha on one hand I don't feel like any time has passed at all. Wasn't it just yesterday he came to visit me at the hospital when he went into the MTC? On the other hand I have felt every second of him being gone these past two years. Time is a funny thing. I hope he still wants to be my friend. I hope I get to talk to him like old times and that we stay great friends forever. But none of this can happen till I get out of bed and start moving on today. 

Condescending Mom mask

I hope I never stoop so low as to assume that simply because I am a mother I am better than all those around me. I hope I never look at my young coworker who is desperately trying to find a husband and family that "oh I guess you don't have kids so there's no way you could understand" I hope I never make anyone feel as small as my coworker made me feel today. I never want to insinuate that someone has less worth simply because they haven't had the chance to fulfill their divine roll as of yet. I don't want to assume things about their lives and how they live and what they hope for after only knowing them a few weeks. I'm so mad because the assumption that goes around is that it is my choice to be living my life this way and the fact that I haven't "settled down" and started raising a family is frowned upon. What about Melissa? Or Mycah? For all she knows they could have infertility issues. There is NO way to figure all that out about a person after only knowing them for a few weeks. What if someone just had a miscarriage? What if one of us had been pregnant and lost the baby at any stage? What if we had been told we were infertile? YOU DONT KNOW THAT! YOU CANT SAY THINGS LIKE THAT! Someday I will be a wife and a mother and I hope I am more aware of the feelings of others before I speak and say insensitive things. Someday I hope I am a great woman of strength and sensitivity for those around me. 

If I could stop

If I could stop falling in love with everyone I meet, that would be great. I had a lengthy discussion with my coworker today about how I all too often use the word "love" and it's because I really do love things so freely and so quickly. Unfortunately that happens with people too. In many instances it is a great quality, today it was not. I work with a man who is old and married and treats me like a queen. He's a good man and I see the wonder in his eyes even though he deals with hard things often. He had become my dear friend, but I should not love him because it scares me to get so close with someone who is so far outside the realm of possibility of having a future. How did I get here? What a mess. I'm going to sleep till I forget. 

Is this what healing feels like?

Great news! It's not cancer! The doctor changed his mind so now we'll just wait to find out what it is! Not cancer, let's have a party!! 

Also, I think it's time I have a nice long cry and read all Devons letters and look at his pictures then put them away. For good or bad, but that little purple box on my shelf is making me insane. Every time I notice it I cringe. I'm not that girl any longer, I don't yearn for him the way I did 5 months ago. Or even two months ago. I would like to believe I've moved on and grown up and my Devon season has passed. He doesn't need my thoughts any more and I am too good for him. 

Laughter.

I have been smiling all day. First in anticipation of my date, then during the date, then after :) 

So here's my deal. He is one of the best people I've ever met and I might just have first date goggles on right now, but I want to always feel this way! He is so amazing and driven and I have rather enjoyed getting to know him a little bit better and I like everything about him. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. And I've laughed enough to last for an entire week. At least. Plus now he knows I want to do it again. During the movie we kept doing the putting hands awkwardly on my leg to wait for him to grab it and he didn't, but when the movie was over he put his arm around me and we talked all during the credits. Then we went for frozen yogurt and talked for awhile. It wasn't a super long date, but oh my goodness it was fun. He was sweet and attentive and I said a few things like I was excited to see it with him. And how great he is. I wish I had more to say, but oh my goodness I'm just happy and it was lovely. 

I texted Dallin afterwards And said "Oh my goodness it was wonderful! Except I sort of hate the "is he going to hold my hand? Oh wait he's reaching! Oh wait no he's not. Can I fold my hands? Is that sending the signal I don't want him to hold my hand? Do I want him to hold my hand? Is it acceptable to hold hands on our first real date? Oh he just wanted a red vine. Oh no wait, he's fidgeting. Is he as nervous as I am. This movie is hard to pay attention to. Oh that part was funny. No wait, his hand is moving again. Is he watching me and not the movie? I hope I look smart. Is it possible to look smart while watching a cartoon?" " that's how I felt haha but mostly I loved it. Also Dallin brought me pizza and watched an episode of psych with Ari while we talked about it. They both approved my post date text and then read his response and got their seal of approval. I love them! I have so much appreciation for Dallin and he's become one of the very best people I've ever known and cares so much for me. 

I love Helen

Helen is one of the doctors I work with, she loves to check up on my life and make sure I am making good decisions in my love life. Today she sent me on an errand to bring treats back to the office, we are the worst as far treats go because none of us wanted anything sugary, black coffee for one, raspberries for another, chips and salsa for yet another haha not necessarily considered "treats" ANYWAY, she like to talk about my life and "live vicariously through you!" so when I was telling her about Connor today she said a few really sweet things and one of my favorites was something along the lines of "oh this boy really likes you, I can't wait for the wedding invitation" one step at a time, Helen, but thanks for being so optimistic. ps. As long as I stay focused on something else I forget the evil that has seeped into my life. Cancer sucks.